I Don’t Whistle in the Office Because I Want To, I Do It Because I Have To
The nine-to-five can be a grind, so if I’m not attempting to boost morale by blaring high-pitched ditties at every opportunity, then what use am I?
Tag: Satire
All Our Luxury Hotel Room Bathrooms Are Panopticons Now, for Lovers
Our panopticon toilet utilizes ruthless social engineering to give you the most intimate experience with your partner.
I Think It’s Polite to Clap for Your Pilot After Crash Landings Too
I know you're the lone survivor, but that makes it all the more insulting.
This Airbnb Is Definitely Not the Gorilla Enclosure at the Zoo
And you know what? What if this was the zoo? Would that be so bad? You would still stay here if the price was right.
Action Needed, RE: “The Incident”
At what point did you realize the graphic I was drawing bore a loose resemblance to male genitalia? Please complete the following sentence: "After I drew _____."
Man, I’ve Been Killing It (My Will to Live)!
I’ve been going in there (dark places in my mind) and destroying it (crying)! I take no prisoners (except myself)!
Mutual Nondisclosure Agreement for Me and My Siblings
“Compromising Information” refers primarily to the eggnog-induced confessions that occurred around the fire pit on Christmas Eve.
Advice Column for Mad Scientists and Super Villains
Dear Megatron, I’ve been earning money from my paper route to buy smoke detectors so I can stockpile the radioactive americium.
The Way of the Double Text
Master: The unread text sits. Is it full or empty? Student: It is full of potential, yet empty of response.
We’ve Been Observing Your Earth—We Give It a Four
Canyons, however, are terrible. They’re like backwards mountains, but long. There’s nothing grand about that.
Stages of Processing a Catcaller Saying “You’ve Still Got It”
Minimizing: Well, at least saying you’ve “still got it” isn’t vulgar or threatening.
Fatherhood Is Great, but I Think Being a Lifeguard in 1997 Was Actually the Best Job I Ever Had
In those days, the money and pool snacks seemed to flow as freely as the hose we used to spray down the concrete when some kid dropped his nachos.