Dear Mob, I’m Sorry I Forgot to Throw That Fight
I offered to go back into the ring and pretend to get knocked out, but it was too late, especially since I had already taken my shoes and socks off.
Tag: Satire
How I’ll Spend Every Minute of My Fifteen Minutes of Fame
Minute 4: I cut out all fake friends, they’re leeches.
I Am Your Super-Thin, Yellowing, Old Bed Pillow—Please Put Me Out of My Misery
Me, a sweat-stained, yellowing bed pillow. You, a 42-year-old single man that clearly hasn't lived with a woman since moving out of his mom’s place.
So You’ve Reverted Back in Time to Your Sixth Grade Self Knowing Everything You Know Now…
You're eleven, and first thing's first: everybody is going to be super impressed that you, an eleven-year-old, are already reading Hemingway.
Saving the World Is Much Harder as a Spy Adult than It Was as a Spy Kid
No one warned me about grappling hook elbow after the age of 25--now my physical therapist owns a foreclosed volcano lair thanks to it.
I’m Going to Deboard This Plane Before You
They say in life, there are no winners and losers, yet here we are, living proof of how far from the truth that actually is.
Forgive Me, I Ran a Charity 5K but Didn’t Cure Any Diseases
After my performance last Saturday, I cannot in good conscience accept this participation ribbon.
I Don’t Whistle in the Office Because I Want To, I Do It Because I Have To
The nine-to-five can be a grind, so if I’m not attempting to boost morale by blaring high-pitched ditties at every opportunity, then what use am I?
All Our Luxury Hotel Room Bathrooms Are Panopticons Now, for Lovers
Our panopticon toilet utilizes ruthless social engineering to give you the most intimate experience with your partner.
I Think It’s Polite to Clap for Your Pilot After Crash Landings Too
I know you're the lone survivor, but that makes it all the more insulting.
This Airbnb Is Definitely Not the Gorilla Enclosure at the Zoo
And you know what? What if this was the zoo? Would that be so bad? You would still stay here if the price was right.
Action Needed, RE: “The Incident”
At what point did you realize the graphic I was drawing bore a loose resemblance to male genitalia? Please complete the following sentence: "After I drew _____."