I Am the All-Knowing Supercomputer Programmed by White Guys to Be Super Inclusive
Kyle and Derek began training me on all subject matters of the world like philosophy and what Derek would refer to as “dank-ass internet shitposts.”
Tag: Satire
I’m Not a Monster, I’m a Method Actor
It was not I who called her “a useless swath of dogshit,” it was, in fact, Chicago crime lord Tony Ligitano.
Over the Pandemic I Learned How to Play the Guitar and Now I Can Show You– Wait– Yes– How Did You Know– Wonderwall
I actually picked up the guitar during the pandemic and learned how to play, you guessed it, Wonderwall. I could show you now, if you had a second.
Passages from My Nine-Year-Old’s Journal That Prove He’s Possessed by Walt Whitman’s Ghost
O’ empty day in the bore of my classroom. Today Miss Woolley asked me to remove my hat, and I reminded her that I will wear it as I please.
A One-Sided Conversation at a Grill That You Didn’t Start and Can’t Get Out Of
I’m going to take a beer. Man. Beeeeautiful. Nothing like a nice day– Flip that. That’s done. It’s burnt.
Excerpts from the New Philosophy 101 Textbook, Sponsored by Toyota
Hereclitus’ principle of unity in opposites can best be illustrated by the Toyota Sienna.
If You Want to Date My Daughter You’re Going to Have to Help Me Get My Wife to Let Me Back into the House First
I don’t know if they teach conflict resolution in that school of yours these days, but I sure could use some relationship advice.
Visions I Had After Succumbing to the Madness That Befalls All Men Who Dare Drink the Milk of the Eldest Keebler Elf
If you are offered a chance to suckle at the teat of the eldest Keebler elf, I pray you heed my warning.
Mistakes Were Made: One Intern’s Heartfelt Apology, Written Entirely in the Passive Voice
The clients’ voicemails were mistakenly deleted, as the functions of the different button thingies had been forgotten.
Welcome “Vogue” to This Mansion That I Own!
I love how the natural light comes through the house. It gives whoever wants to break in a little sneak peek of what they’re missing you know?
Lesser Known But No Less Eponymous Ways Charles Ponzi Invented to Defraud People
A Ponzian Slip: This is when you misspeak because you are thinking more about swindling the person than the substance of the conversation.
Jason Bourne Wakes Up in Disney World and Briefs His Family
Why do I have a safety deposit box at Epcot full of cash, character location maps, and over one hundred trading pins?