Hey bud. What is that, a Weber? Duraflame? Eveready? Smokey Mountain? Coleman? Broil King? Char-Griller? Char-Broil? BroilMate? Big Green Egg? Oh, it’s a Cleveland Browns-brand grill. Cool, cool. That’s… Mind if I hang out? Great. Nothing like a warm day of grilling. That’s what I always say.

What are we eating today? Chicken, you have to be careful with chicken. Gas grill? The charcoal taste makes all the difference. If you ask me. I’m going to take a beer.

Man. Beeeeautiful. Nothing like a nice day– Flip that. That’s done. It’s burnt.

What’s that? Really, it’s a charcoal grill? Shit, no. Can’t believe I didn’t notice it. Must be because your coals are dying. They’re all grayed-out. Cool, man. I’m glad for you. Flip that.

You know it’s not technically barbecue if you don’t smoke it low and slow in the sub-250 degree range. You’re technically grilling right now. Yeah, sure, I’ll watch everything for you.

I squeezed down all your burgers because they were looking pretty thick. I squeezed all the juices into the patty. They should be nice and charred. See those? Perfect. Did you clean the grates? Because I think everything’s sticking. Well, who knows then.

I think the goal is to have the meat cooked on the outside but not raw on the inside.

The USDA—Flip that—recommends I think an internal temperature of 213 Fahrenheit. That’s one above boiling, so that means it must be OK. Where’s your meat thermometer? Shit, I should’ve brought mine. It’s a Thermapen Waterproof Instant-Read. It’s $90. Not sure you want to serve any of this if you can’t be sure there’s no salmonella. There’s kids here, man.

No that’s actually a myth. You can get lighter fluid on salmon. You can still eat it.

Woah! Hold on there! You can’t just throw charcoal onto the other charcoals! No, no, no. Let me. First you put the coals in the freezer. Frozen things heat up faster. Then you light them with a match lit by the sun. Then, once they’re lit, bro, you put them on the other charcoal. You’ve got to put like charcoals with like charcoals. Mind if I smoke a cigar?

This is a fuckin’ bitchin’ 3rd birthday party for Eric. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC! Flip that.

Sorry, my hands are full. Oh, oh, do you have a knife? Cut into that hamburger bun to check it. I think it’s done. I think that can get to 225.

Wait a sec. You can pop that bad boy right onto my plate. There you go. Thank you sir. Yeah, it’s dry. That’s okay, I’ll give it to the dog.

If you want me to just take over, I don’t mind. What do you do? Oh man, egghead. Me? I’m working on a biography of renowned Irish translator and poet Seamus Heaney. You probably never heard of him. That guy was a BAMF.

I’ll just stand back and be your Mr. Miyagi. Flip that. It’s ruined.

Don’t open the lid so much. Your grill’s cold, man. Close the lid. Crank open those vents. There you go. I should go mingle, but I won’t.

Uh oh. See that would’ve worked on my grill. No, no. Leave the hot dog on. That’s gotta get to 451 Fahrenheit I think I remember. Because the nitrates have to cook out into antioxidants.

Oh, good question. Mine’s a George Foreman. Yeah, but like a big one.