Young Wives’ Tales
If you break up with a man, you'll get a text message. If you break up with a woman, you'll get an Edible Arrangement and a Babeland gift card.
Tag: Life
Your Personal Branding Focus Group Report
Everyone agreed that you are fatally lacking any brand whatsoever. The days of "hanging loose," and "taking it as it comes," are long, long gone.
Rules for Enjoying Edith Peckhurst Memorial Park
Use of this park is at your own risk. Such risk will not be assessed, even though this neighborhood has the highest population of actuaries in the city.
I’m the Pinch Pot You Made in Third Grade—Why Won’t Your Mother Let Me Die?
I looked around: Pristine bowls, with smooth edges, not a pinch in sight. My exterior sports at least seven visible fingerprints and a hole that slowly leaks.
Old Friend, We Sure Have Made Something of Ourselves
You with your magnificent house you built yourself, two young healthy children, and a partner who loves you for who you are, and me with my podcast.
Ten Questions to Ask Your Friend Who’s Feeling Down
Ask them if they've tried that pencil trick to help them smile their way out of stress.
Help! I’m the Ideas Guy at Work and I’m All Out of Ideas
I was making lemon history while all those other chuds were clogging up the marketplace of ideas with lemonade.
I Am Your Coworker Who Microwaves Fish, and I Cannot Wait to Come Back to the Office
What is the point of having a job, really, if I can’t subject everyone I work with to deal with the afternoon odors of the nasty lunches I eat?
Living My Best Life on My Terms, Per Your Restraining Order
I respect the State of California’s 100-yard rule, and I value precision, which is why I bought one hundred yardsticks at Home Depot.
Top Ten National Parks for Experiencing an Existential Crisis
Acadia: Remember when life felt like the boundless ocean view at sunrise from the top of Cadillac Mountain?
Why Getting a Motorcycle Is Worth the Risk of Leaving Your Family Behind in a Tragic Accident
Any day can be your last and your family knows that. Next time your kids think of talking back to you, they'll picture you not being here anymore.
I Am Actually Made of Money and My Existence Is Hell
You have six-pack abs? I have six-dollar abs. It’s six dollar bills.