Set aside your worries caused by modern nuisances such as technology, automobiles, and the invention of antiseptics.
The theme of my Bar Mitzvah is “Lying awake at night, your face slick with sweat, drowning in a pool of your own despair.”
8:15 AM: I get ready for my workday. I am dressed in a t-shirt that says “Open Letter To 'The Man': Eat Shit.”
You make me better. You make me ask the tough questions, like do I have rabies, and is the baby giraffe at the zoo mad at me?
No matter how many side pickles one has in their lifetime, each new side pickle feels like the first.
In March, you say goodbye to your family, friends, and old way of life. It’s time to prepare for a rough journey ahead.
I mean, if my life were a novel, this would be terrible writing. The reader would be flipping back, looking for pages they must have skipped.
Set your timer for 15 minutes and promptly CRY INTO A PILLOW AND LET THE TEARS OF FAILURE FLOW LIKE THE RIVER NILE.
Do you want to use the Julian calendar? Because I can make that happen tomorrow. Whenever tomorrow is on that mess.
Here’s a funky, vintage suggestion: you could wear pants that close with a button at the top, rather than with an elastic waistband.
Fund your retirement account - The best time to start investing is when you’re born. The second best time is when you’re completely potty-trained.
You can’t go back in time to kill Hitler, but you can go back to start your watercolor hobby earlier so you’d be at a more intermediate level now.