Thank you again for using U B U Personal Brand Review Service. We know it's a huge investment and a massive invasion of your privacy. But as you know, the lines between social media branding and who you actually are as a person have completely dissolved. It's never been more important to project a flawlessly designed and curated U™ at all times, both online and in-person. After all, “You never know who's watching!™”

As per your selected package, your personal review panel has studied over 20 hours of surveillance footage, your complete mined data file, two years of your social posts, and an undisclosed cache of covert video capture from your personal devices to analyze how you are positioning yourself in the competitive marketplace of personality. These are their main takeaways, summarized here in decidedly professional bullet points.

It's a damn good thing you are doing this review!

First off, everyone agreed that you are fatally lacking any brand whatsoever. The days of “hanging loose,” and “taking it as it comes,” are long, long gone. Please stop using these expressions. You need to be constantly thinking about how you want others to perceive you, and then painstakingly construct and maintain that carefully designed image. Signing up for U B U appears to be the only positive thing you have ever done.

Throw out your clothes. All of them.

“Everything does not go with everything.” God help you. Hire a stylist. Watch Queer Eye. Do something, and do it fast! Unless you're Springsteen or the Marlboro Man, no more denim, or “western wear” of any kind. This especially includes bandanas. OMG. Have you no shame?

Be predictable.

Your opinions are all over the place. You don't like musicals but like musical comedy. You go to therapy but watch football. You're irritated by children but write kid's books. Pick a lane. No one has time to get to know “the multitudes you contain.”

Life is acting. Face it and embrace it.

Branding isn't just how you look. It's how you act. Who you are is all about affect. And, unsurprisingly, you are lacking here too. People commented that you seemed to be getting distracted by your feelings. Look at others you admire and do what they are doing. Feel what they are feeling. Period. Commit to being the real you that you are pretending to be.

Reposting things you find funny isn't a social media strategy.

Enough said.

No mousse, dye, mascara, or ink? Really?

How would anyone even identify you if you were in a horrible, disfiguring accident? Dental records? Srsly, is that what you want? No ink? No piercings? Do you really think you're ready to leave the house with no product in your hair? FYI, the panelists were laughing so hard during this section that I had to call an early lunch.

For heaven's sake, quit talking about your kids.

On several occasions, people actually thought you were going to break out your phone and start showing pictures of your children. Were you? Be honest. We can't help you unless you're brutally honest with yourself. Having kids isn't a brand, it's a flag of surrender.

Where are the selfies?!

Why aren't you compulsively documenting your passage through this life? Where are all of the obligatory pictures you took of yourself in every place you went? How can you expect anyone to obsessively focus on you if you can't?

Be what people expect!

People need to know everything you are about in the time it takes them to scroll through a single post, or pass you on the highway. Pick a type and keep it simple! Stop “marching to your own drummer.” Your drummer is alone, unseen, unloved, penniless, and keeping the beat for a band that no one will ever hear.

But, also make sure you are delightfully and surprisingly fresh and new in some minor and minuscule way. Preferably by being stunningly good-looking in an exotic fashion.

That's it. As Gandhi might have said, be the brand you want to see. Of course, Gandhi would drop dead at the sight of what you are now if he wasn't already dead.

I hope this helps.