• If you crack your knuckles near your smartphone, you’ll see targeted ads for “One Weird Trick” to cure arthritis.
  • Always wait an hour after eating before discreetly pouring shredded cheese into your mouth straight from the bag when you pass the fridge.
  • If you pluck a gray hair and leave it under your pillow, a Madison Reed coupon will appear in its place the next morning.
  • If you break up with a man, you’ll get a text message. If you break up with a woman, you’ll get an Edible Arrangement and a Babeland gift card.
  • If you sit too close to the television, you’ll hurt your neck as you look back and forth between the TV and your phone.
  • If you swallow gum, your next dozen bowel movements will take on an air of dreadful mystery and anticipation.
  • If you shave your legs, your ambivalence about your sex life will grow back twice as thick.
  • If you kick an ice cube under the refrigerator, you’ll ignore a gas leak.
  • That toner from your mom’s neighbor’s MLM makes an unparalleled grout cleaner.
  • If you leave a bag of dog shit in the Little Free Library, you’ll summon Astaroth.
  • If you take the plastic off your grandparents’ couch, you’ll summon Satan himself.
  • The five-second rule can be extended to ten seconds in shoeless households when no one is watching.
  • If you drop an empty La Croix can and it lands upright, you’ll get audited by the IRS.
  • If a man regularly misuses the phrase “out of pocket,” don’t let him write his own wedding vows.
  • An overheating MacBook doubles as an Easy Bake Oven. (Well, more like a griddle.)
  • If you’re carrying low and you’re not pregnant, it could be a tapeworm.
  • If you’re over thirty and you try a viral TikTok challenge, you’ll meet the deductible on your health insurance.
  • If you’re feeling hungover, another serving of whatever you were drinking will get you a DUI on your way to take the kids to dance class.
  • A convertible bridesmaid’s dress doubles as a straightjacket in a pinch.
  • Therapy is like the Baby Foot exfoliator, but for your personality.
  • If you enjoy a shred of happiness during an idle moment, internalized capitalism will compel you to get back to work.
  • Anyone with curvature left in their cervical spine is a witch.
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