No running.
No ball playing.
No dogs.
No cats.
Although it would be cool to see, no wildebeest.

No yelling.
No whispering.
You think we didn’t hear that? Sssshh!
No shushing.

Use of this park is at your own risk. Such risk will not be assessed, even though this neighborhood has the highest population of actuaries per capita than anywhere else in the city.

Park hours from dusk to dawn.
This is the time the vampires come out.
Go ahead and scoff. We have photographic evidence. You’ve been warned.

Entrance via front gate only.
Entrance via back gate is prohibited.

No unauthorized use of double entendre.
No unattended fires.
No attended fires.
No humming of songs with “fire” or “fires” in the lyrics. No, we didn’t start the fire.

No cell phones.
Even if you’re using it as a camera.
Which means you miss a pic of your toddler picking the buds off the heritage rose bushes. The ones that were planted over Edith Peckhurst, park benefactor, 1823-1909. Her body has fed bushes for over a hundred years.
There may be other benefactors feeding other plantings.
We’ll never tell.

No smiling near the trash receptacles. Try it and you’ll know why.
See above regarding risk.

No playing with the lifeguards. They are working. There are no lifeguards in this park.
No tipping of canoes.

If walking on the left side of the park, do not look over your right shoulder. If walking on the right side of the park, do not look over your left shoulder. Avert your eyes from the park at all times.
Do not feed the beggars.
Like you, they are not welcome.

Use of playground equipment is at your own risk. Playground is most likely infected by brain-eating amoeba. We didn’t put it there to deter your usage of this park. What are you suggesting?
Under 12 must be accompanied by an adult.
Over 12 must be accompanied by violin, viola, cello and piano. Recordings are prohibited.

No littering.
No loitering.
No bicycles.
No, No, Nanette. No non sequiturs.

Residents and invited guests only.
Invited guests must pass rigorous entrance exam.

Sample question:
A train leaves a station at 8 AM heading for Washington D.C. It is an Acela train. It goes fast. A different train leaves a station at 9:50 AM. It is not as fast as an Acela. Given that speed X is not provided, where will the trains crash, causing multiple injuries, crippling commutes up and down the northeast corridor for days, and if you’re still reading this, do you think you’re some kind of smartie pants? Most people would have moved on by now.

You must really love this park.

May you consider donating to the Edith Peckhurst Living Trust, caretakers of this little spot of heaven in an otherwise dank section of the city?

Don’t leave your wallet at home.
You can also Venmo, or ApplePay. We see the cellphone sticking out of your pocket. Though good on you, you paid attention to the rule above and are not using it.
You can’t call for help.
We have eyes everywhere. You can’t hide. You’ll be tracked down, slit open, one of your kidneys removed, and sold on the red market, the proceeds of which will go towards installing a memorial fountain, honoring Edith Peckhurst, and her commitment to sharing this patch of grass and flowers with all who stumble upon it.

Please enjoy this park!