Top-Rated Pastas to Eat at Home Alone During a Messy Divorce
You could try to explain bronze die-cut milling and how it creates a unique texture for holding sauce better, but there’s no need. Susan left you.
Tag: Legal
Let’s Pay People Literal Peanuts
It's critical that our employees can think outside of the box, accept a payment that comes from inside a box, while also living in a box.
Jury Duty Is Rebranding as Justice Festival
As you enter the courthouse, you will get a trendy wristband. This unlocks special access to the “VIP Pit” also known as the “Enormous Waiting Area.”
Where in the Hell Did Alan Dershowitz Get His Ideas?
“Article II Looks Good On You” (The Journal of Bizarre Constitutional Arguments, December 2012)
Memo Regarding My Employment at Guilt-Centric Religion of My Childhood, Inc.
Unfortunately, I can no longer continue in my role as Associate Proselytizer, as I disagree with many of the Company's policies and decisions.
6 Worst Places for Your Wife to Remind You She Is Leaving to Be in a Polyamorous Relationship with the Pep Boys
The process of picking one menu item reminded your wife of how she did not have to pick just one Pep Boy, since they are all polyamorous.
Seven Mishaps at Whole Foods That, Looking Back, Were Only Partially My Fault
I didn’t mean to beat my chest and roar, causing that woman to jerk the wheel of her motorized cart into the end cap of pumpkin spice whipped topping.
Help, My Life Has Become a Backdoor Pilot!
No one cared about me. The main story suddenly became Hannibal's unique style of investigation and vague allusions to a troubled past.
Marriage, as Explained by an Alien
A female human getting married will choose her favorite female friends and force them to all wear the same dress for the big day.
5 Times My Father Was Strapped for Cash So We Had to Pay Our Rent by Complimenting Our Landlord’s Horrendous Calf Tattoos
He has a visible tattoo of Tim Allen playing billiards with Tim Allen. (The second Tim Allen had red glowing eyes. He kept calling him “Dark Tim.”)
Tips for a Tenure-Track Humanities Job Search, in Decreasing Order of Viability and Legality
Personally ingratiate yourself to each and every search committee member. In your application, subtly but strongly imply that no favor is off-limits.
I Am Leaving My Job to Become a Cowboy Following the Success of My Halloween Costume
If you want a salesman who spends all day practicing spitting into a spittoon so it makes a "ping" noise, I’m your guy.