A Guide to Avoid Being Mugged for Dummies
Keep all your pockets slick with oil. You can humiliate them further by saying, "What's the matter bud? Can't get a grip?"
Tag: Crime
Think You Got What It Takes to Join Our Gang, the Crabapple Boys?!
WHAT WE’RE LOOKIN’ FOR… YOU: - Enjoy tippin’ over hot dog carts for craps n’ giggles - Like puttin’ pennies on train tracks and watching ‘em smoosh
Five Tips for Being Locked in a Trunk
I’ve been locked in a trunk so many times I’m startin’ to think I’m a set of jumper cables!
When We Get Married, I Want to Take Your Last Name, Along with Your First Name, Middle Name, Social Security Number, and Dental Impressions
My mom took my dad's name—and fingerprints, and mustache, and a high-resolution scan of his face with a state-of-the-art LIDAR device.
I’m a Lawyer, So No, You’re Not Allowed to Criticize Me for Defending Child Slavery
While I try to have a thick skin about all this, I must admit it’s pretty disturbing when I hear a critic imply that I’m in some way morally culpable for the clients I choose.
Excerpts from “Maynard McClelland, Bathroom Detective”
The toilet was pristine. I placed the back of my hand on the porcelain. Cool to the touch.
The Sleepytime Tea Bear Reports a Robbery
The criminals must have also found it easy to sneak around me, due to the rug, and fireplace, and radio.
If This Is a Scam Email, Why Am I Running for Congress as a Democrat?
FirstName, I am appalled at how my Republican opponent, Landsley Thornbeck, has been representing Name of State.
What I Won’t Be Doing During My Daylight Savings Bonus Hour This Year
- Pulling on a hoodie and sneaking over to my neighbors’ garage. - Groping around in the dark where they stack their old paint cans.
Your Deductive Reasoning Is Ruining This Brunch, Mr. Holmes
Your constant, unprovoked deductive reasoning is making the other guests uncomfortable. There is no mystery, Holmes. Just mimosas.
My Job Is Modeling Counterfeit Fashion and It’s the Most Rewarding Job in the World
The lady perched by a theme-park Eiffel Tower, clasping a suspiciously shiny handbag, and hoping security doesn’t notice she jumped the gate, is me!
Kickstarter Update #37 – Our 3D Printed Water Bottles and Co-founder Are Being Held Hostage by Pirates
From what Eric told me before his cell phone cut out, these bottles are entirely worth the extra eight months of R&D.