Dear FirstName LastName,
I’m a recently deposed Prince of a foriegn nation. Due to banking being frozen by revolution, I am right now not able to access my strapping large bank funds. Because of this I ask you for small, risk-free loan in form of my contribution to my campaign for Congress as a Democrat. Working together, we can defeat “Moscow Mule” Mitch McConnell and take back this seat from my opponent, a Republican who definitely exists. He exists so much that if you are a part of anti-internet-fraud task force you have to stop reading right now.
FirstName, I am appalled at how my Republican opponent, Landsley Thornbeck, has been representing Name of State. Thornbeck is a man who you don’t need to Google because it’s fine. He is also a dyed-in-the-fleece TrumpMan. He said that Donald Trump should be President for his whole life even though this goes against what it says in Declaration of Independence. He voted that Climate Change should get more tax breaks and he filibustered teachers. Egregiously, he filibustered them. In his own words, he said, “I am for more business doing bad. It is okay because they are men and rich.” Shameful. Is this who you want representing us on the nation stage? With a contribution of just your mother's maiden name, we can restore honor to Name of State’s Insert Number District.
Who am I, I hear you pondering? I am just a simple stay-in-home dad who was the first Air Force sniper to kill Osama Bin Laden. But more than that I am a small businessman, an educator, or whatever job your own dad had. I am your dad. It wasn’t easy growing up in our beloved Name of State, being only the poor prince of a foriegn country. But we learned the value of working rigidly and my siblings on the farm in our small town used to love taking the subway train to New York Yankees Arena. In high school, I was a star American Football point guard, and my trainers taught me the value of being teamwork. Unlike Republic Politicians like Jared Trump and Majorly Green Taylor. They wouldn’t know making a duo-partisan compromise if it were a goat’s horn piercing their behind. Excuse my country language. I guess that’s just what happens when you’re a simple country boy who graduated well from Harvard Institute. Now, this simple country boy humbly asks you one thing: can you give banking information so we can defeat anti-vaccine Congress delegate?
Don’t just take my saying for it. I have been endorsed by progressive heroes like Major Biden and Allen Franken. Also, FirstName, I am close personal pals with AOC or Liz Cheney, depending on what sort of a person you are. Film acting stars love me, as well as down-home mothers and uncles.I am ready to fight for your values. I think that everyone you want to have an abortion should get one, and no one you don’t want should be legally allowed. I think that the environment is very. Our children must be in the future, and I will vote against anyone who wants them to go to the past. I don’t know if Washington, District of C. is prepared for my no-holds-disallowed style, but I am prepared for them. It is time to send a message to the N.R.A. and the Especially Interested. Justice is on the next cable car, and it’s going to be served red hot. All it costs to make this dream come into truth is a monthly donation that I can pay back using the profits from other donations.
I’m not going to lie to you, FirstName. There are some very churlish rumors being spread about me. They say that I do not exist and I am pretty clearly a group of scammers who have not even bothered to research basic details about American politics before writing this letter. They say when you try to google me or my opponents, nothing comes up because they are lies created to get money. These are vicious statements. And they are statements funded by the Brothers Koch, who will not rest until I am made to be hushed. I, however, vow to you, that I will not be hushed. Not by the Kochs, and not by the FBI should they find out about this fundraising email and pursue legal action. Our rights are too important. The liberties we have mean too much. As long as I can still send hundreds of thousands of emails like this a day, I will not cease fighting. I will not cease loving the United American States.