Listen Sherlock, I invited you here as a favor. You solved the mystery of my missing niece, so I figured I owed you. However, it is becoming clear this was a terrible idea. Your constant, unprovoked deductive reasoning is making the other guests uncomfortable. There is no mystery, Holmes. Just mimosas.

What am I talking about? Oh, I don't know,  ”Gary is an alcoholic because there are key scratches on his pocket watch?” First off that is the absolute worst way to greet someone. Second, just because he can't wind his watch without scratching it does not mean Gary is a drunk, Sherlock.

I mean technically, yes, you're right. He does have a problem, but for God's sake Holmes, have some tact! Gary's entire family was standing right there, still in the foyer. His wife was furious and Gary's six-year-old just asked me if this means his “birthday is canceled again.” Not exactly the happy-go-lucky vibe we wanted at this shindig, Sherlock. Now Gary is staying on my couch and I have to dovetail an impromptu intervention onto this shindig.

Oh, I wish that was the only complaint I've gotten Sherlock. You told that group of guys chatting about the match that Carol cheats on her husband based solely on her appearance. Yes, your science was technically sound,  there was no way London temperatures would have allowed her to have those authentic, sun-bleached hairstreaks. The rare eucalyptus nail polish places her soundly in Australia last week, not at her “mothers.” And the penis-shaped tan line on her face does suggest a lover. Honestly, the whole thing was amazing. I was very impressed. However, infidelity accusations don't make for great icebreakers, and that was Carol's husband, brothers, and grown sons you were talking to.

No Holmes, actually I'm not finished. When someone farts at a party most people just hold their breath and bite their lip. They don't yell, “THE GAME IS AFOOT, TALLYHO!” and start sniffing butts to retrace the source. I don't care if it was amazing to watch you work, it embarrassed the hell out of Diane and as she explained, she has a “digestive thing” with cheese. If that wasn't enough, the poor girl fainted when your nose was halfway up her calf, and she crashed straight through the mimosa bar. Now the whole flat smells like Moet and cheese farts.

Honestly, I think I have more than paid my debt to you. Hell, the mystery you solved for me wasn't even particularly difficult. My niece was at her boyfriend's house,  she had just forgotten to leave a note! Come to think of it, you didn't really even solve it. Becky just sort of came home after a couple of days. Not exactly the “crime thriller” you made it out to be in your bill. Also, who invoices cocaine as a work expense?

Erroneous charges? Frankly, I think these “legendary” skills of deduction of yours might be slipping. Ryan has “stolen the entire cheese plate, right under our noses?” Really? All because you noticed him bumping into things. Which had to be due to an acute temporary inner-ear imbalance brought on by a rare bacteria strain found in certain bleu cheese varieties when taken in mass quantity,  including those found on the charcuterie board? That's the conclusion you came to?

He's farsighted, you moron. He keeps bumping into things because you stole his glasses so you could light your pipe with that Rube Goldberg machine you built in my lounge! Which, by the way, is a goddamn health hazard. And generally, a super bizarre thing to do as a guest in someone's home. That flintlock pistol stage is not remotely necessary and you owe my kids an apology. They are never going to find all their marbles. Also, you can't smoke in here.

All in all, I think it's best if you either leave now or at least promise to sit in the corner and stay absolutely silent, ok Holmes? Agreed? Good. Now, I'm going to run out for more cheese, can you please give Ryan back his glasses so he can keep an eye on the Party? Gary is hitting the mimosas a bit hard and Carol's husband is beginning to shout at their Australian tennis instructor.

Oh and one more thing ,  it was obviously Diane who stole the cheese plate. That's why she keeps falling over and farting so much. She has an issue with cheese. Mystery solved.


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