I, Lou Critelli, am one of the greatest mafia snitches of all time. I’ve also been locked in a trunk so many times I’m startin’ to think I’m a set of jumper cables!

But seriously, it can happen to anyone. Let's say that perhaps you “stumbled on” the local waste treatment plant at two o'clock in the morning, and you “just so happened” to witness Billy Brake Pads “fall” into one of the turbines, and out of “sheer coincidence” you notice two of Boss Silvieri's capos—Carmine Crankshaft and Valve Cover Vinnie—leaving the premises approximately ten seconds later in a '99 Cadillac Seville.

And then let's say that “out of concern” for Billy Brake Pads, you “notify the proper authorities” about the events you witnessed that evening, and that you “coincidentally” have photographic evidence of the “unfortunate mishap.”

And then let's say, just for the record, that you “don't” owe Boss Silvieri a large sum of money, but are instead simply “acting as a good samaritan,” and you think they should “have coffee” with Carmine Crankshaft and Valve Cover Vinnie while they “discuss” Billy Brake Pad's “freak misadventure.”

And then let's say that, in thanks for the “information” you provided the authorities, they offer to “be your friend” and help protect you from bad things happening because “that's just what good friends do.”

And then let's just say there's a “misunderstanding” among Boss Silvieri and his capos, and they think you “intentionally spied on and recorded their murder and used the information to gain protection from the FBI in an attempt to prevent Silvieri and his thugs from smashing each of your joints with a tire iron as retribution for the thousands you owe in unpaid gambling debts,” and so they find you while you're using the john at the local delicatessen and pull you through that tiny little window and throw you in the trunk of a '99 Cadillac Seville. Hypothetically.

It can happen to anyone.

So check out these tips to make your locked-in-a-trunk experience as enjoyable as possible.

Plan Ahead

If you’re reading this, you’re probably anticipating getting locked in a truck in the near future. Congratulations! The more you plan for this, the less you’ll have to worry about when it actually goes down. Keep some beef jerky in your pocket in case you get hungry. Wear a velour tracksuit for maximum comfort (you’ll probably be doing this already). And, most importantly: stretch. Because buddy: you’re goin’ in a trunk.

Don’t Panic

You’ve most likely been struck with a blunt object or subdued with a rag soaked in chloroform, and are therefore coming to in the trunk. Do not panic: Kicking and streaming will likely result in one of your captors recklessly spraying the trunk with bullets. This puts both you and adjacent motorists in danger. If you don’t make any noise, they may think you’re already dead. With any luck, they’ll bury you in a shallow grave, which you can then claw your way out of at your own leisure.

Get Comfortable!

In the meantime, make yourself at home. If you’re in a Town Car made between ‘89 and ‘02, there should be a nice notch on the left-hand side to rest your head.

But the important thing is just to relax and enjoy. Trunk time is your time. I like to try to guess where they're taking me based on the bumps in the road. If the bumps are small but consistent, that usually means a dirt road—you're headin' to the sticks! But if it's larger bumps at greater intervals, you're probably headed somewhere more industrial, like a quarry or maritime loading dock.

Yep, That’s Probably a Dead Body

I always had mixed feelings about sharing a trunk with a dead person. On the one hand, they take up lots of space (less if they’ve already been dismembered), but they also give you someone to talk to if you get lonely (though this feels a little strange if they’ve already been dismembered).

Don’t Get Attached to Any One Trunk

Beginners always think their first trunk is going to be the best. This just ain’t smart. Because before you know it, you’re going to be get yanked out of there to never see it again. Sure, if you do it for as long as I have, you’ll get some repeats, but don’t bank on it. Appreciate each trunk individually, and then move on.

With some planning and a positive attitude, you can turn your time locked into a trunk into an unforgettable, once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Unless you've got debts to Boss Silvieri—then it becomes more a part of your weekly routine.


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