’90s HR Video Sexual Harasser or My Mom?
You have such nice legs. I’m glad you’re finally wearing something that shows them off. / You didn’t even notice my new slacks. Do you like them?
Tag: Clothes
Quarantine Sweatpants or Amazon Warehouse Worker?
Stretched to cover more area by upper management / Watches boss make the same mistakes day in and day out / Owned by Jeff Bezos
Father, Why Hath Thou Forsaken Me, the Sock at the Back of the Drawer?
You refuse to wear me because of my stale odor but you refuse to wash me for I have not been worn! This chaotic torment tears my mind asunder!
The Five Stages of Grief for When You’ve Found a Magical Pot of Gold, But Keeping It Means Being Relentlessly Hunted by a Wee Murderous Irishman
DENIAL: Maybe this isn’t even a legitimate cursed pot of money. ANGER: But--fairy fortunes don’t usually come with a blood curse!
A Letter of Appreciation for “One Headlight” by the Wallflowers
People will call you a monster, and in a way, they’ll be correct: you are a monster---a monster fucking hit.
Stranded on a Tropical Island with My Goop Healing Circle
The food that Goop gave us is almost gone, but we’re not too worried since most of us had planned to reset with cleansing fasts upon our return home.
I’m a Serial Killer and Burberry Just Discontinued My Signature Strangling Scarf
With so many murders happening each year, it’s extremely difficult to develop and sustain a calling card that’s distinct.
I’m Thrilled to Announce That REI Is Sponsoring My Dirty Laundry Pile as a Top Climbing Destination
A treacherous, smelly laundry pile mountain with its own micro-ecosystem, flora/fauna/foot fungus found nowhere else, and several documentaries.
Trendy Uses for All Those First Date Red Flags You Ignored
Tapestry: That sure was a big red flag, folded up all nice, when he asked you to meet him in a sketchy part of town around 9pm for your first date.
I Am Your Period Underwear and I Deserve a Goddamn Purple Heart
I was once beautiful. Lacy, soft, and placed with love into your dresser in the coveted spot next to that lavender sachet your grandmother gave you.
Famed Explorer Loses Entire Crew at IKEA
Wanting to avoid doing three year's worth of laundry, I shall strike out once again, this time to conquer IKEA.
I’m Your Local Craft Brewery, And I’m Inviting You to Bring Your Kids Over and Get Hammered in the Daytime
Feel free to make your kids play Connect Four while you pound some Child Hopbandonment, my extra-high-ABV double IPA.