I Prefer Cold Weather to Hot Weather Because You Can Always Put on More Layers and Still Get Frostbite and Die
God, I adore those deadly Arctic air jet streams like they’re a Jacuzzi jet femme fatale delivering ice to my shivering body. The tingle!
Tag: Clothes
I’m Using My Nephew’s Onesies to Propagate My Political Agenda
I send Joey down the slide delivering truth bombs like: GRAMMY SPOILS ME---AT LEAST SHE WOULD IF CONGRESS WASN’T PILFERING HER SOCIAL SECURITY.
You’re Ready to Be a Parent, Aren’t You?
After living the bore of your nine-to-five stability, you’re ready for some extra, life-long, exciting (did I say “life-long”?) responsibility.
Hold on Boys, I Can’t Break This Ancient Curse without My Tank Top!
You know what it looks like. It’s the same tank top I wear every time we get together to defeat an age-old evil or combat a monstrous hellion.
An Excerpt “From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts”
Standing on his tiptoes, he craned over their hunched heads, hoping to get a glimpse of the candidates.
Personal Notes Found in the Vents of a Secondhand Pair of Medium Wash Ripped Skinny Moto Jeans
Smoke salvia out of sister's vacuum cleaner. Land a kickflip in the middle of the woods with nobody around, next to a fallen tree.
The Wake-Up Fairy is Tired of Your Bullshit
No one else in this house has to be a Morning Person other than the Wake-Up Fairy! Isn’t that great? And now it’s time to get ready for school.
Missed Connection: I Turned to Get a Wet Wipe, and My Elliptical Was Gone
And when I turned to find you, you were gone. How is that even possible? How could I fail to notice your location or distinguishing features?
Oh, the Hoodies I’ve Found
1. Sept 5, 2000 - The Band One / Identifying Marks: Your HS boyfriend’s crappy ska band logo. / Acquired From: Back seat of said boyfriend’s POS car.
Oh, the Hoodies I’ve Lost
1. August 8, 1996 - The Maroon One / Identifying Marks: Band logo on the front. / Missing From: Back seat of your POS first car.
I Bought One Floral Dress and Now I’m Deep in the Clutches of a Pagan Cult
Our relationship was mutually beneficial: I gave him a son—Yngvar—and he told me my dress wasn’t “too Coachella.”
5 Moments at Grandpa’s Funeral That Were, In Retrospect, The Wrong Time to Set Up My LuLaRoe Pop Up
Grandpa would have appreciated that I identified the lighting near the casket as the best to showcase my stunning collection of floral maxi skirts.