Oh, the Hoodies I’ve Lost
1. August 8, 1996 - The Maroon One / Identifying Marks: Band logo on the front. / Missing From: Back seat of your POS first car.
Tag: Clothes
I Bought One Floral Dress and Now I’m Deep in the Clutches of a Pagan Cult
Our relationship was mutually beneficial: I gave him a son—Yngvar—and he told me my dress wasn’t “too Coachella.”
5 Moments at Grandpa’s Funeral That Were, In Retrospect, The Wrong Time to Set Up My LuLaRoe Pop Up
Grandpa would have appreciated that I identified the lighting near the casket as the best to showcase my stunning collection of floral maxi skirts.
3 Ways to Die with Dignity While Choking on an Old Band-Aid in a Victoria’s Secret
If you’ve timed it right, you will be dead before you hit the floor. Your death will look like that of a hero defending the store from a shoplifter.
TSA Guidelines for National Clown Week
Provide your real name. Slappy, Mr. Chuckles, Giggle Master, Miss Jiggles-a-Lot, and Happy Pappy are not legal names we recognize.
Dos and Don’ts for Parenting When Your “Uncoupling” Involves His and Hers Restraining Orders
Don't ask loudly and rhetorically "See why I divorced her?" of the shoppers gaping at your unholy hissyfit over her congenital tardiness.
Trying to Explain My Statement Fashion Choices to My Mother
Dad’s old tennis sneakers: You dated him in college when he wore these sneakers and you seemed to like them just fine back then.
Rimbaud’s 2019 Food and Drink Guide to Paris
What can we make of the persons exiting the Sorbonne with something heralded as a "kale chia smoothie?" It appears to be dredged from a fetid pond.
Welcome to Camp Sunshine! Please Read Our 2019 Camp Policies
Camp Sunshine opens its doors at 8:55 every morning. Please drive carefully because although we have 125 campers, we only have 11 legal parking spots.
Please Stop Bursting Into My Darkroom to Question Me About a Murder
How do you think the Andersons feel when I deliver their photos, and half of them are so overexposed that you can’t see the barn they’re leaning on?
Contents of a Magician’s Pockets As Documented When Turning Himself In for Manslaughter
1 red/purple/blue/yellow/green/white/orange/red/blue scarf, nearly 30 feet long, covered in blood, possibly used as a tourniquet.
Supreme Announces Collab With the Double-Jointed Gene
The LabelMan ™ is covered in the logos of Off-White, Palace, and Gucci. Destroying him is possible only through consistent slashing of one’s credit card.