Brrr, it’s getting chilly out there!

And I love it, because that means that soon I can don all my favorite winter apparel, which still will not prevent me from catching hypothermia before my untimely demise.

Some complain about cold weather, but not me. That is where I thrive.

Maybe it’s because I read Jack London’s “To Build a Fire” at a formative age, or because I always go overboard at the REI Anniversary Sale, but there is nothing more thrilling to me than wearing a lifetime supply of thermal underwear in 50-degree-below-zero weather before losing the capacity to move, or to live.

Except, maybe, 70 degrees below zero!

Hot weather makes me sweaty and uncomfortable, even with no clothes on. Cold weather, however, is all opportunity! I can bundle up in enough layers to render my limbs useless and immobile. When I do get out the door, the wind waves hello with a slap in the face, freezing my skin and mucus before guiding my journey from shallow breathing to loss of consciousness to loss of life.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

When I first learned about global warming, I was so bummed. What would I do, where would I move, how could I still enjoy wearing ten layers of fleece-lined tights at once?

Then I found out that climate change also includes other extreme weather conditions like dangerous cold waves.

Now that’s what I’m talking about!

Polar Vortex? More like Polar MORE-tex!

With frigid conditions like these, I have infinite possibilities to sport my new Gore-Tex gloves, insulated boots, stackable sweaters, portable electric blanket, and sleeping-bag coat, which is an actual sleeping bag. The layering options are endless, and yet still never enough! Each time I venture out the front door into a blizzard, there’s that joyous whisper that my extremities will grow numb as will my nervous system.

God, I adore those deadly Arctic air jet streams like they’re a Jacuzzi jet femme fatale delivering ice to my shivering body. The tingle!

And that’s just the tip of the melting iceberg. (Don’t hog all that ice, Greenland, amirite?)

A winter wonderland awaits!

Soon I can take a carriage ride around Central Park amidst the freshly-fallen snow, snuggling up close to my sweetheart, with bundles of scarves, gloves, hand warmers, and countless parkas between us. Two hearts will truly beat as one, until both of our hearts cease to function as our bodies lose heat faster than they can produce heat. Time to redirect the carriage to the Mt. Sinai emergency room, but we won’t get there fast enough.

Pure romance.

Until then, I will wake up to the delightful sound of my clanky radiator, waiting for one fine, below-freezing, dreamy dream day to wear my entire winter wardrobe before losing mobility, consciousness, and battle with the frost.

Thank you, fossil fuels, truly.

Anyway, enough about me, it was very nice to meet you and have coffee. I know your profile said that summer is your favorite season, but I think we can make it work- opposites attract and all. Let me know if you want to go on a second date sometime! Carriage ride around Central Park…?

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.