1. It is in the Constitution, so it is my God-given right to have:

  1. The Post Office.
  2. My .357 Magnum.
  3. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness… even if that just means me sitting here watching Who’s the Boss? and smoking weed in my underwear.

2. When I come home at the end of a long day, I’m happy to see:

  1. My mail, whatever coupons or letters from Aunt Martha or ballots it may bring.
  2. My AK-47 with expanding hollow point bullets.
  3. My autographed headshot of Tony Danza circa 1985, from season 1 of Who’s the Boss? Now there’s a guy who was the boss.

3. Safety is more important now than ever, because of what’s going on in America, so we need more:

  1. Voting by mail.
  2. Guns. And toilet paper?
  3. Security cameras? But in addition to being a Who’s the Boss? superfan, I’m also a nudist. And nobody better tell me I can’t be on my own porch naked.

4. When I hear “go postal” I think of:

  1. Guns.
  2. The Post Office. The Post Office is the problem.
  3. Wasn’t that a video game from the ‘90s? This quiz is all over the place. Seriously. But while we’re talking about the ‘90s, April 25, 1992 was the air date of the final episode of Who’s the Boss? I’ve been waiting for 28 years, and it has paid off. They’re finally making a Who’s The Boss? sequel.

5. The threat of tyranny and authoritarianism is real. Thus we need:

  1. All eligible mail-in ballots to be counted.
  2. To storm the statehouse with guns to get them to open up!
  3. To live off the grid. Collect our own rainwater? This reminds me of that episode of…

6. When I hear someone approaching my front door, my first thought is that it is:

  1. The mailman delivering the new LL Bean catalog and those face masks I ordered from Etsy.
  2. Time to grab my pistol.
  3. Time to put on some pants. Why do you keep bringing this up? “Ay oh! Oh ay!” as Tony would say.

7. To help take out the bad guys in 2020, we need more civilians to be:

  1. Voting.
  2. Armed.
  3. I just mind my own business here on the porch with my beer, waiting for the sequel.

8. More _________ in 2020 means fewer crimes.

  1. Ballots (to stamp out this administration).
  2. Guns.
  3. Poorly worded question! More LAWS would mean MORE crimes.

9. My fondest childhood memories involve my collection of:

  1. Stamps.
  2. Guns.
  3. Who’s The Boss? action figures! What weird kid actually liked collecting stamps or could afford guns?

10. I live rurally. I definitely rely on:

  1. The Post Office for my mail.
  2. Rifles for hunting.
  3. Maxwell House. But a Starbucks is opening soon, those greedy bastards. But no seriously, I’m excited to try their pumpkin spice latte.

If you chose:

Mostly A  Congratulations, you would like America to continue to have a functioning Post Office for the little things, like letters, prescription delivery, social security checks, rural deliveries, and voting—especially during a pandemic.

Mostly B  Congratulations, you love the Second Amendment, covering the importance of a “well-regulated militia” for the “security of a free state”! Don’t forget about the rest of the Constitution—including the Postal Clause, which enhanced interstate communication—and you’ll be on target. The Postal Service has been fundamental in building America. And just in case it impacts your thinking, people in many other countries vote by mail too. What’s that? …Yes, the Constitution is over 200 years old. Wait, you think this one little part of the Constitution is outdated?

Mostly C  Congratulations, you are Jack Gordon, Who’s the Boss? superfan! You live somewhere in Wyoming. You strike the perfect balance with your loves of Tony Danza, nudity, and addictive substances. 2020 is definitely your year! And “there’s a brand new life around the bend.” Jack, while you’re relaxing on the porch waiting for the Who’s The Boss? reboot, why don’t give your representative a call, and tell them to save the Post Office?


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