• 2% Fat Mixed Berry, Blended

    I thought the mixed berry would pair well with the mix of emotions I had been feeling ever since my mom married her long-time boyfriend, Alfonso Matrioni. He’s been a dick to me since I met him, and he makes it very clear what he does with my mother sexually, playing it off as a joke with harsh undertones. I got a six-pack of these flavors, but instead of pumping me up to jam my fist down Alfonso Matrioni’s throat, it more mellowed me out.

  • 2% Fat Coconut, Blended
    I chose this flavor at the store because I saw “fat coconut” and chuckled because my mom's new husband Alfonso Matrioni’s head looks like a fat coconut. I would never say it to his face because he’s way bigger than me and carries a set of brass knuckles around 80% of the time. The yogurt was pretty good. Eating it brought a smile to my face as I thought about stealing the brass knuckles while Alfonso Matrioni slept and beating the living shit out of him.
  • Non-Fat Vanilla, Blended
    I thought this one was really tasty. Alfonso Matrioni thought that I looked like a “small-dicked, pussy-whipped, mother-loving sack of shit” while I ate it. So many of his insults rhyme. This one helped me start setting a plan in motion.
  • 2% Fat Strawberry Banana, Fruit on the Bottom
    The fruit on the bottom was quite tasty, even though you have to mix it up. This is what inspired me to “mix it up” with Alred Matrioni. I stole two of my mother's Ambien and slipped them in the yogurt. I had to tell Alfred Matrioni that it was just strawberry because he refuses to eat any phallic foods. After he housed the yogurt, I watched and waited for him to get groggy…
  • 2% Fat Coffee, Blended
    The moment had come. Alfred Matrioni was stumbling around, brought low by the yogurt-drug concoction I had given him. My revenge was at hand, right after I had my favorite Chobani™ yogurt. The 2% Fat Coffee (Blended) gave me the energy and pep I needed to beat the crap out of my inebriated step-dad, Alfred Matrioni. He didn't stand a chance, as adrenaline and the exotic flavor of Chobani™ yogurt raced through my blood.