- For some reason we’re all just, cool touching poop now.
- Delighting your dinner guests with explosive diarrhea stories.
- Cleaning poop from your heater grate, walls, bathtub, ceiling fan, keyhole, hair, keyboard, eyes, gear shift, and more.
- Beating perfect parent Kristen at potty training.
2. Discipline Shit
- Caving in during a meltdown. Because you will cave in.
- Maximizing Santa’s power.
- Toughening up your whiny little bitch of a kid.
- Kristen only believes in positive reinforcement. God I hate Kristen.
3. Shit Your Kid Eats
- What to do when your toddler eats sand.
- What to do when your toddler eats grave dirt.
- What to do when your toddler eats a vegetable.
- What to do when Kristen passive-aggressively asks if you’re still feeding your child gluten.
4. Creating Shit with Your Kid
- The most half-assed art projects you can do with your kid.
- Cornering the market on construction paper and poster board.
- Another fucking diorama.
- Kristen went to art school.
5. The Shit That Comes Out of Your Mouth
- Swear words it’s fucking fine to say in front of your kids.
- Communicating with your partner once your kid learns to spell.
- So you called your kid an asshole—now what?
- Kristen doesn’t curse. Have I mentioned that I hate Kristen?
6. Clothes and Shit
- It’s a diaper and not that hard to figure out, for fuck’s sake.
- Bedazzling bullshit.
- Why the fuck are head holes so small?
- Responding when Kristen suggests your toddler is dressed in “whore clothes.”
7. Specific Shit LGBTQ+ Parents May Have to Deal With
- Lesbian couples: Punching total strangers in the throat for asking “Which one of you plays the dad?”
- Gay couples: Kicking total strangers in the nads for reminding you that “breast is best.”
- Trans parents: Knocking the teeth out of total strangers who think your gender is any of their goddamn business.
- All LGBTQ+ parents: Kneeing Kristen right in the butthole when she brings up “family values.”
8. Shitty Yet Frequently Asked Questions
- Does it get easier? No.
- Am I doing enough? Probably not.
- Is this the best time of your life? Also fucking no.
- Just ask Kristen. She has all the answers.
9. Educational Shit
- All the ways your child is already behind.
- Shaming your child into learning new things.
- Choosing the right preschool: Is it important, or are you just an insufferable prick?
- Kristen thinks her kid is some kind of prodigy.
- Fuck you, Kristen.