1. Shit

  • For some reason we’re all just, cool touching poop now.
  • Delighting your dinner guests with explosive diarrhea stories.
  • Cleaning poop from your heater grate, walls, bathtub, ceiling fan, keyhole, hair, keyboard, eyes, gear shift, and more.
  • Beating perfect parent Kristen at potty training.

2. Discipline Shit

  • Caving in during a meltdown. Because you will cave in.
  • Maximizing Santa’s power.
  • Toughening up your whiny little bitch of a kid.
  • Kristen only believes in positive reinforcement. God I hate Kristen.

3. Shit Your Kid Eats

  • What to do when your toddler eats sand.
  • What to do when your toddler eats grave dirt.
  • What to do when your toddler eats a vegetable.
  • What to do when Kristen passive-aggressively asks if you’re still feeding your child gluten.

4. Creating Shit with Your Kid

  • The most half-assed art projects you can do with your kid.
  • Cornering the market on construction paper and poster board.
  • Another fucking diorama.
  • Kristen went to art school.

5. The Shit That Comes Out of Your Mouth

  • Swear words it’s fucking fine to say in front of your kids.
  • Communicating with your partner once your kid learns to spell.
  • So you called your kid an asshole—now what?
  • Kristen doesn’t curse. Have I mentioned that I hate Kristen?

6. Clothes and Shit

  • It’s a diaper and not that hard to figure out, for fuck’s sake.
  • Bedazzling bullshit.
  • Why the fuck are head holes so small?
  • Responding when Kristen suggests your toddler is dressed in “whore clothes.”

7. Specific Shit LGBTQ+ Parents May Have to Deal With

  • Lesbian couples: Punching total strangers in the throat for asking “Which one of you plays the dad?”
  • Gay couples: Kicking total strangers in the nads for reminding you that “breast is best.”
  • Trans parents: Knocking the teeth out of total strangers who think your gender is any of their goddamn business.
  • All LGBTQ+ parents: Kneeing Kristen right in the butthole when she brings up “family values.”

8. Shitty Yet Frequently Asked Questions

  • Does it get easier? No.
  • Am I doing enough? Probably not.
  • Is this the best time of your life? Also fucking no.
  • Just ask Kristen. She has all the answers.

9. Educational Shit

  • All the ways your child is already behind.
  • Shaming your child into learning new things.
  • Choosing the right preschool: Is it important, or are you just an insufferable prick?
  • Kristen thinks her kid is some kind of prodigy.
  • Fuck you, Kristen.