Devin Nunes: Look, the Giant didn’t eat Jack. Clearly, even if Jack hadn’t chopped down the beanstalk and killed the Giant, the Giant was never planning to eat Jack. I mean, look at Jack! Does he look eaten to you?

Jim Jordan: I just don’t understand why we’re still talking about the wicked stepsisters and their wicked stepmother. Cinderella went to the ball. Here’s her glass slipper! Why aren’t we talking about the Fairy Godmother? Why aren’t we asking where she got all of her Bippety Boppety Boo? Could it have been from a Ukrainian energy company?

Steve Castor: I’m looking over the transcript between the sea witch and the Little Mermaid that the sea witch’s eels transcribed and I don’t see the words “squid pro quo” anywhere, especially not the part where the witch agrees to give the Little Mermaid legs only if she’ll give up her voice. And, if the Little Mermaid really did give up her ability to speak, why didn’t she tell the Prince?

Devin Nunes: All you people want to talk about is how the queen tried to kill Snow White. But we’re not interested in your glass coffin, or your poisoned apple, or the seven dwarves’ second-hand testimony. No. We want to know the identity of this hunter who warned Snow White. Isn’t it true he always preferred Snow White to the Evil Queen? Why aren’t we talking to this “never queener”?

Jim Jordan: Malificent’s a witch! She has powers! Of course she’s going to use them! The problem here is that you people never liked her. You never wanted her to come to the birthday party! This is a coup!

Steve Castor: If the witch really did keep Rapunzel locked in a tower, how come Rapunzel never told anyone? Huh? Sixteen years go by and not a word from her until a prince finds and rescues her? This investigation is a sham!

Devin Nunes: I’m just going to say it. I don’t think this hearing on the “bigness” and “badness” of the wolf should go forward until we get the answers to three simple questions. First, where is the fourth pig? Second, why is no one talking about where the pigs got their building materials? And, third, the Democrats colluded with Ukraine in the 2016 elections.

Join upcoming comedy classes in Satire & Sketch Writing, Improv, and Stand-Up.