Woot! My appointment with Dr. Pacini is this Friday! My buddies and I Vrbo’ed a house right across from the dentist's office and we’ll head down there the day before. We’re going to be up all night flossing!

Look at these teeth! They’ve barely seen a cavity since 2014. I use only fluoride toothpaste with the American Dental Association seal of approval. I’m so stoked about this appointment!

Dr. Pacini’s always been good, but now he’s got the best hygienists in the business. They’re a root canal dream team.

You go to Dr. Botkins? Damn, I used to respect you, but Botkins couldn’t drill his way out of a paper bag. He thinks a drill is a fire-and-tornado training exercise.

Dr. Pacini is the G.O.A.T. He’s filled over ten thousand cavities and his best years are still ahead of him. Go Dr. Pacini!

Check out this hat shaped like a giant molar! It took me two hours to paint my whole body white.

This is gonna be the best trip to the dentist ever! My smile’s gonna be even more dazzling when I get done with my cleaning. I’ll look like Chris freakin Hemsworth when I get out of there.

Okay, that appointment didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. The X-Rays showed some decay, and the doctor wants to give me an amalgam filling next week. I think it’ll be the right choice, going forward. This is a setback, but I have a great feeling about next week.

No, I will not consider switching to Dr. Botkins. Botkins couldn’t spot a cavity if he fell into one. I can’t believe you go to that quack. It’s like you don’t even give a damn about your oral health. You kiss your mother with that mouth full of gingivitis?

Back in his day, no one could touch Dr. Pacini. I mean, put him up against any dentist in history—Dr. Jones from 1982, even—and Jones would have to be scraped off the floor like plaque off an incisor.

Are you kidding me? Dr. Pacini just drilled the wrong tooth.

HEY, PACINI! MY VISION-IMPAIRED GRANDMA’S GOT BETTER AIM WITH A DRILL THAN YOU DO, AND SHE’S BEEN DEAD THREE YEARS. DOES THE D IN DDS STAND FOR DUMBASS?

Whelp, that was disappointing, for sure. The dentist was off his game, but I think he’s still recovering from a wrist injury.

No, I will not consider switching to Dr. Botkins. I got a filling, not a lobotomy. One or two bad appointments doesn’t make Pacini any less of a dentist. He’s got some young dental assistants who look to his leadership and they’re really going to shine once they get more cleanings under their belt.

There’s always next year, right? I just ordered a tongue scraper that got four-and-a-half stars on Amazon. I’m going to dress as a bicuspid and rent a professional saliva ejector before my next appointment. We’re talking eleven kilopascals of suction, baby. It’s going to be lit!

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