“Marx and Marcuse so I had something to say to the the long-legged socialist who lived in my dorm; Fanon and Gwendolyn Brooks for the smooth-skinned sociology major who never gave me a second look; Foucault and Woolfe for the ethereal bisexual who wore mostly black.”
Barack Obama

De Beauvoir and Goethe for the cottagecore lesbian who was desperately in love with her best friend.

Emerson and Kerouac for the free spirit who never met a person of color until college.

Engels and Wollstonecraft for the mousy librarian who eventually removes her glass to reveal that, by God, she is gorgeous.

Sontag and Chomsky for the anarcho-communist enby who leaves their laundry on the floor.

Salinger and Nietzsche for the Nicotine-Addicted Incel.

Plath and Dickinson for the girl in the coffee-stained flannel who went to boarding school but just really wants to experience the real world, you know?

Shakespeare and Sondheim for the spunky theater girl who was hot shit in her high school drama club but is now reckoning with the fact that she’s more of a character actress than a leading lady.

A book called “How to Sneak into R-rated Movies” for the baby-faced lady who suspiciously wore only trench coats and stumbled around as if on stilts.

Byron and Žižek for the pervert with a heart of gold.

Sedaris and a book of spells bound in human flesh for the unholy shadow that sought to unearth damnation on mankind through blood, mayhem, and the occasional humorous anecdote.

Angelou and Arendt for the ethereal bisexual who wore mostly black (I know I already mentioned her, but you should’ve seen her, man. What a knockout!).

Plato’s Symposium and Dr. Seuss
To woo the classicist with ample caboose