• Lean in, meet my gaze, but then pull away and say it’s getting late, I’m three-quarters Irish
  • Go on two dates with me that seem to go well, but then inexplicably ghost me, I’m half Irish
  • Agree to Friday night drinks all the way uptown, but then text me ten minutes late that you have a “work thing” that you forgot about, I’m a quarter Irish
  • Match with me on Hinge but then get all weird that our star signs are incompatible and make an obviously perfunctory and insincere suggestion that we hang out as friends some time, my great-grandpa’s uncle was from County Cork or something
  • Flirt with me at a party, play with your hair while we’re talking, giggle at even my lamest jokes, compliment my taste in indie bands, but then tell me that I just have to meet your boyfriend, AncestryDNA.com says I’m “7% Ireland and Scotland”
  • Ask my friend about my situation and make sure my friend knows that you’re okay with my friend letting me know that you asked about my situation, but then don’t do anything else about it, I’m not Irish but I studied abroad for a semester in Dublin
  • Meet cute with me at the grocery and have a great chat about how you just got out of a long relationship and want to turn the page, but then leave my request pending when I try to add you on Instagram, I streamed most of that Daniel Day-Lewis movie about the Troubles
  • Shake my hand at the networking event and use your other hand to wrap mine in a way that’s slightly warmer than merely professional, but then one-up me in the group conversation by telling everyone that you weren’t just regional but state debating champion in college, I like drinking Guinness so there’s that
  • Accidentally take my Starbucks order, lock eyes across the room when you call out that you got the wrong drink, wrinkle your nose adorably when you hand me the macchiato, turn a few seconds of small talk into a deep conversation about life and love that seems to last hours, exchange numbers, have our first date at the county fair, scream on the tilt-a-whirl, take goofy, tipsy pics in the photo booth, start seeing each other every weekend even though you live an hour away, make sweet love after just the right amount of waiting, make me feel safe and whole like I never have before, quit your job to follow me across the country, meet each other’s parents, travel the world, get engaged, have the perfect small town wedding, welcome three beautiful children, cheat on me out of nowhere with my cousin’s coke-addict roommate, file for divorce, hire that smarmy attorney from the bus stop ads, take half my pension, tell the judge I’m an unfit parent and win full custody, and gaslight me into believing I really did bring it all on myself, I’m English