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Pandemic used as pretext to eliminate humanities major

Religion professor asked to explain why God hates us

Emeritus faculty member wanders in, unaware pandemic occurred

Ceremonial burning of university-branded face masks

Epidemiology professor acts like goddamn celebrity after appearing as pundit on local news station

Faculty member shunned for losing twenty pounds during quarantine Announcement that faculty will continue to teach each class in synchronous, asynchronous, hybrid, HyFlex, BlendFlex, remote, flipped, and face-to-face modalities, without additional compensation

History professor chuckles quietly when COVID-19 pandemic called “one of the worst tragedies of all time”

Anecdote about resilience of human spirit

Science faculty smug whenever vaccine is mentioned

Introverted faculty members even more awkward after year in isolation Assistant professor sneezes; is denied tenure

FREE SPACE

“New Normal”

Cringey COVID-related joke Faculty member forgets they’re not wearing face mask; smirks through entire meeting
University president has aged twenty years since March 2020 Sexy new major in “Apocalypse Analytics and Pandemic Cyber-preparedness” introduced “Trauma-informed teaching” Faculty member still fully committed to pandemic sweatpants Creative writing professor casually mentions new erotic novel, Fauci and Me: Lust in the Time of COVID
Moments of silence for tuition revenue lost last year Faculty member insists on Zooming in from the third row Philosophy professor quotes Camus’ La Peste “Although students are not required to provide vaccination documentation, we’re confident that ‘[University name]’s Vaccine Honor Pledge’ will ensure a safe semester” Spate of early retirements announced

 


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