“The Trump administration said on Wednesday that it would ban the sale of most flavored e-cigarettes, at a time when hundreds of people have been sickened by mysterious lung illnesses and teenage vaping continues to rise.”
The New York Times, 9/11/19


FROM: [email protected]
TO: [email protected]
SUBJECT: New ADULTS ONLY Vape Flavors

Hey guys!

I know this mysterious lung disease must be a big bummer for you guys, but hopefully this email can bring a ray of sunshine to your afternoon. sun emojis

Yes, at long last, here is the list of FDA-approved vape flavors!!! party emoji

Our scientists or lawyers or whatever assure us that these new flavors are fun for adults, but hold absolutely no interest for children:

  • Pesto
  • Kale
  • Clam Chowder
  • Ham
  • Brussel Sprouts
  • Pamplemousse
  • Red Pepper Hummus
  • Bone Broth
  • Gluten-Free
  • Salmon
  • Olive
  • Musk
  • Balsamic Vinaigrette
  • Pinot Grigio
  • NCIS: New Orleans

You’ll be able to make vaping products with any of these flavors, or even offer fun grown-up combinations like Kale Pesto, Gluten-Free Clam Chowder, and NCIS: Pamplemousse! No matter what combo you create, these FDA-Approved Fusion Flavors™? are guaranteed to provide a satisfying Juul experience that appeals exclusively to people over 40.

Okay, good news/bad news time:

Bad news: FDA has to tell you that celebrity-endorsed flavors aren't allowed (for example: Billie Eilish’s Bone Broth) but…

GOOD news: FDA is totally down to review creative names for these new flavors, like Midnight Musk and Kale Krazed!*

*Keep in mind FDA reserves the right to reject any name that might risk appealing to teens (Raging Red Pepper Hummus, Cool Clam Chowder, Hasta La Ham, etc.).

So fun, right??

Feel free to email me if you have any questions! I can’t answer them because I’m only serving in this position on an acting basis, but I’ll make sure to file them away for whoever takes over full-time in 2021. Or 2025! (Who knows what we’ll be vaping by then??)

xoxo

Kate
Director of Social Media Strategy, FDA
Acting Head of Regulations, FDA
Acting Secretary of Agriculture
Acting Ambassador to Bosnia

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.