Engagements:
Tom Cruise springs atop a couch in his street shoes, arms to the heavens victorious, then electrocutes Oprah with his bare hands. He loved Katie Holmes that much.

Anniversaries:
Oprah stands before a giant golden box, smugly exuberant, and gifts an entire studio audience with a swarm of frenzied bees. YOU GET STUNG! AND YOU GET STUNG!

Deepest Sympathies:
A close-up of a seriously shocked, late-90's Oprah holding her temples, slack-jawed, and then turning to look directly at the camera. She just couldn’t believe it.

Sincere Apologies:
Four men dressed as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles gesticulate onstage and Oprah, hair in bouffant, looks on incredulously as a young boy in a cardigan bugs his eyes out.

Milestone Birthdays (Young):
Oprah asking Beyonce what the word “Bootylicious” means.

Milestone Birthdays (Old):
Oprah in a baby blue sweater and matching wrap-around sunglasses mouthing the words “I am so damn cool.”

New Babies:
Oprah with ringlets, reaching toward the camera, emphatically professing her love for bread. She loves bread. She. Has. Bread. Every. Day.

Bar/Bat Mitzvahs:
A compilation of Oprah mouthing the wrong words to eight different Mariah Carey performances over a span of more than 20 years.

Graduations:
Oprah in black informing Stephen Colbert’s audience that the tests are back and they all have chlamydia.

New Jobs:
Vintage Oprah chomping on a french fry like a buck-toothed rabbit.

New Homes:
A never-ending loop of the Oprah pee scene from The Color Purple. She doesn’t even pull it to the side!

Retirements:
Photoshoot Oprah with long curly hair dancing like a member of the Lollipop Guild.

Speedy Recoveries:
Oprah screaming “YES” as she fire-walks stiff-legged across a bed of smoldering embers at a Tony Robbins’ Unleash the Power Within event.

Mother’s Days:
A bubble bath envelopes Oprah’s naked body as she sips a glass of champagne in questionable ecstasy. This is called “the O Face.”

Father’s Days:
Unimpressed Oprah in royal purple giving an interviewee the once-over with her eyes.

Christmases:
A monochromatic Oprah in brown, covering her Rachel haircut with her hands, screaming in shock.

Hanukkahs:
Oprah in a 1983 audition tape, wearing a powder pink moo-moo, and explaining her name is “HARPO” spelled backwards. It makes so much sense now.

Best Wishes:
Barack Obama mortally wounded by Oprah in a lightsaber battle for most beloved black person of all time.

Heartfelt Gratitude:
Oprah breathing deeply—resolutely—at an awards show ceremony, her wrists inhumanly bent backwards over her shoulders, fingers interlaced with the disembodied hand of Stedman.

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