So you’re a touring musician, or outdoor enthusiast, or food truck vendor who’s read the canon of American luddites and traded the rat race for an idyllic acreage an hour outside a metropolitan area, and now you’re in the market for your first (certainly last) pick-up truck. Here are some questions you may like to consider during the test drive:

  • Does the scale of your lifestyle require a mid-size truck, a full-size truck, or a fuck-you truck?
  • Do you need one that’s low enough for your dog to jump into without having to do that butt lift thing?
  • How much truck is enough truck without making you look like a truck person?
  • Are Tacomas too mainstream now?
  • Do you need one that’s beefy enough to pull a livestock trailer if you decide to offer goat yoga at the staycation glampground you’re planning to build?
  • Which manufacturer of gas-guzzlers is doing the most to address the obviously very sad and regrettably unavoidable anthropogenic climate change?
  • What bumper sticker will communicate that you still do your part to vote democrat and ride a bike (as long as the trip is reasonable)?
  • Have you honestly spent enough hours on Reddit to confidently predict the global economic outlook for the next seven years of your auto loan?
  • Do your four part-time jobs earn enough to cover the payments?
  • Is it chill if the payments are as much as your marketplace healthcare premium or nah?
  • Should you purchase gap insurance?
  • Is gasoline even going to be a thing in seven years?
  • Is America?
  • Is money? Civilization?
  • What actually is gap insurance?
  • Does a black truck look too aggressive?
  • Are you kidding yourself?
  • Is a truck really you?
  • Does the truck in question feel… what’s the word, authentic?
  • Like, if John Prine were looking down from American heaven, what would he say about the truck?
  • Why isn’t gap insurance a thing for your whole life?
  • Is road salt a concern in your area, or will we descend into cannibalism long before rust has eaten the chassis?
  • Is the truck bed big enough to carry a year’s supply of all the medications you’ll need to thrive during the next “big one?”
  • Is the truck going to last long enough that your kid will learn to drive on it? Or will there even be such a thing as a DMV at the time the rascal turns 15?
  • Don’t the carbon emissions from a truck kinda sorta morally preclude your right to procreate?
  • When SHTF, would you rather have a truck with enough fuel efficiency to escape across the nearest national border on a single tank? or one with superior ramming power to plow through apocalyptic rubble?
  • Why don’t they sell gap insurance for liberal arts degrees?
  • Do you go with a crew cab to carpool with your cadre of like-minded survivalists? or do you get a regular cab with a longer bed so you can live in it after the bank repossesses your homestead?
  • How’s she handle?

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