1. As an Aries, boundaries are non-existent to me. I love to share.

(I shared private medical details about you with four strangers on a bus.)

2. Mercury was in retrograde, which severely degrades communication, especially for Gemini.

(I got really drunk, called you a bitch, and made out with your date.)

3. Virgos are naturally high achievers and very competitive.

(I copy and pasted an entire research paper that you spent sixteen weeks on and turned it in before you to ensure you looked like the cheater.)

4. As a Libra, there are times when I really need to get back into balance and focus only on myself.

(When your cat got violently ill after I house-sat for you I ignored your calls and messages for weeks.)

5. Aquarius/Leo moons are both reactionary and freakishly strong.

(I flipped a table over when you asked if we could split the bill, then left without paying.)

6. As a Pisces I can only live in the moment.

(I threw up in your bedroom right before we left for a party and didn’t tell you. You found it when you got home at 4am.)

7. Scorpios assume everyone is as generous as they are.

(I stole $2,000 from your boyfriend and told him it was probably you.)

8. Cancers can’t afford to be weighted down by physical constraints when they carry so much emotionally. They also need extra food for their extra feelings.

(I insisted you carry both of our bags to and from the movie, but refused to share the snacks.)

9. Tauruses are notoriously passionate.

(I lit your house on fire.)

10. As a Sagittarius, hating social events and flaking out on parties last minute is part of who I am.

(I texted you that I wasn’t coming to your wedding twelve hours before you walked down the aisle. I was the Maid of Honor.)

11. Capricorns are brutally honest.

(I told you your dress looked like it wished it had been aborted because it looked so terrible on you—you’re welcome.)

12. All Geminis/Scorpio risings are full-blown sociopaths.

(I’m a full-blown sociopath.)