I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.

— Mark Peters

My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.

— Jacob Nuckolls

“You’re the one,” he always said to his wife. “You’re the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn’t very good.

— Daniel Nest

I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.

— Mark Peters

I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco’s floors.

— Ryan Ciecwisz