SCENE: A quiet hotel bar. The lights are low. A group sits at a table with an open chair.

SATAN (dressed in a designer tuxedo): …and then I started him on fire. Again. Then I ate a really sweet sandwich. After lunch, I carved pentagrams in his eyes. It was pretty cool.

BUDDHA: You've really found niche for yourself. Did I say that word right? I never know. Is it "neesh" or "nitch?" Not that it matters. How've you been MooMoo?

Hotel bar with dim lightingMUHAMMAD: I'm good. Damage control as usual. People blowing themselves up and stuff. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to find virgins these days! Even in the Middle East. I should have promised suicide bombers a stack of newspapers and some Jolt Cola. I just am wondering where (makes air quotes) "The Savior" is.

SATAN: That hippie is always late. Do you think that skanky pregnant waitress will bang me?

VISHNU: Are you going to pour hot tar over her like the last one?

SATAN: Nah. Going straight for the deuce though.

VISHNU: That's really bad karma, bud. Someday you're going to get totally fucked in the ass. Like, you'll be reincarnated as a dung beetle. Or a taxi driver. Something shitty. Oh, speak of the Anti-Devil, Jesus is coming.

SATAN: I don't see him.

VISHNU: Duh, I've got a third eye.

SATAN: I didn't know you had that.

VISHNU: I'm omniscient. There's so much shit about me you don't know.

SATAN: My third eye sees things to fuck.

JESUS enters. He's obviously flustered.

JESUS: Sorry I'm late guys.

VISHNU: Why didn't you tell me guys you joined a different church? BUDDHA: We thought you'd know with your all-seeing eye.BUDDHA: We've grown accustomed to you never arriving on time. We forgive you, as nothing really matters.

VISHNU: Yeah, all this, "I'll be back in your time," that shit wore off a long time ago.

BUDDHA: So not that it means anything in the long run, but what kept you this time? I don't really care, but am mildly curious.

JESUS: Fucking football fans. "Please let the Denver Broncos make the Super Bowl, even without a good coach or quarterback." "Dear God, my grandpa's favorite team is the Detroit Lions. Can you make them win a game next year, or at least before my grandpa dies?" "Jesus, I don't pray often, but I'm from Green Bay, can you make Brett Favre's wiener rot off. With or without syphilis will do. Thanks. Amen."

SATAN: I could work on the Brett Favre situation. I still have about sixty souls from last year from Jets and Bucs fans, hoping he'll go all the way.

JESUS: Nah braugh, I just ignore most of them anyway.

BUDDHA: If only the meat would understand, they're just meat. That's all they'll ever be, and all they can hope to accomplish. Pretending like a sports team's success will affect the outcome of your life is ludicrous. And fucking lame and pathetic.

VISHNU: And you don't need to be a psychic to know that the Cubs and Vikings aren't ever going to win a championship.

MUHAMMAD: Wow, I just get prayers like, "Please make my fourth wife shut the fuck up already. I'll feed her next week, I promise."

JESUS: I mean, I get a handful of, "Jesus, please end the shit going on in Darfur." Then I get a whole bunch of, "Please My Lord Jesus Christ, don't let any more of my beloved Dallas Cowboys get arrested this weekend." These football fans are the worst.

SATAN: I don't know about you guys, but I'm totally into football. I mean, most of you assholes call it "soccer." But look how popular that game has become. It's not because it's gay. It's cuz of me.

JESUS: Seriously? Damn. That's pretty wicked. Evil and cool.

VISHNU: Not even my all-sensing presence could have figured that one out.

SATAN: What can I say? I learned from Zeus. Fucking things up rules.


BUDDHA: I sit in the quiet so long, it's kind of nice to hold pleasant conversations. Would you guys like to talk about the economy? Or maybe Lindsay Lohan's breakup?

VISHNU: Wait up, Tubby. Y'all can't see him yet, but don't look at the door in five seconds. That Scientology asshole is coming in the bar.

MUHAMMAD: Ah fuck. How does that asshole get more followers than any of us?

JESUS: I've got plenty of awesome celebrities, but he's got shitbags like Travolta and Tom Cruise. I just don't understand.

VISHNU: Don't look. He's coming this way.

Satan stands up and beckons to the newcomer.

SATAN: Sup dude!

VISHNU, JESUS, MUHAMMAD and BUDDHA (together in whispered but harsh tones): What the fuck?

SATAN: Fuck you, guys. I think he's cool. Guys, you all know and remember…(Buddha, Vishnu, Muhammad and Jesus turn their heads so the new guy won't see them)…William Shatner, the driving force behind Scientology.

SHATNER: Hello. So nice. To meet. All of you. I've been a big fan. For years.

VISHNU: Whatever, you dickhead. Take your brahma-shit disguised as science somewhere else. We don't want you stealing our people anymore.

JESUS: Yeah, stick your E-Meter and Dianetics up your ass.

SHATNER: Gentlemen, gentlemen. I feel like. You've mistaken. Me. Let me. Explain.

JESUS: No, I understand you just fine. You're a d-bag.

BUDDHA: Now, hold on gang. I kind of want to hear this….

SHATNER: Fellas, I have. Nothing to do with. Scientology. I played Captain James Tiberius Kirk. On Star Trek. For three seasons. And seven feature-length. Star Trek. Films. I am here. Representing. The Church of Shatner.

Surprised looks all around.

JESUS: Oh shit. We were way out of line Father Shatner. I'm actually a member of your church.

BUDDHA: Me too, when do you go?

JESUS: Every fucking day. How about you?

BUDDHA: Oh, I go at night.

VISHNU: Why didn't you tell me guys you joined a different church?

BUDDHA: We thought you'd know with your all-seeing eye.

VISHNU: Jerks.

MUHAMMAD: So what brings you to the slums Master Shat?

SHATNER: I want to find. The guy who owns. Starbucks. And kick his ass. For he has more churches than even. Me. William Shatner.

SATAN: Um, I kind of helped that guy. Sorry.

ALL: Fucker!

Satan gets his ass kicked by William Shatner, Jesus, Muhammad, and Vishnu. Buddha is a pacifist and just watches.


Endnote: I hope you don't mistake this column. By no means did I mean to offend. Of course William Shatner doesn't owe his career to Satan. Shatner got where he is, because he's William Fucking Shatner. Now bow to your master and savior.