First of all, don't give me this “purity” bullshit. Don't glorify it. Acknowledge virginity as what it is. Don't be sucked in to a chastity cult that treasures their virginity. A virgin is a horrible, horrible thing to be. If you are a virgin, please stop being it.

So now you are asking me, how do I stop being a virgin? My answer is have sex, retard.

I wish it were that simple, you say. I say, it is that simple. How are you even in college?

Look, just have sex with someone. What's the big deal? The next person who walks into whatever room you're in, have sex with them. This will most likely be a dorm room and the next person who walks in will most likely be your roommate. Have sex with your roommate. Problem solved.

But what IS sex? you ask. Jesus Christ. Sex is when you insert your dick into a woman's vagina more than once in a three second time period. If you are a woman, it is when you let a guy do this to you. I'm not even talking to the women here. There's absolutely no excuse for a woman to be a virgin.

Another option is inserting your dick into another man's butt hole, or letting another man insert their dick into your butt hole. Both of these are perfectly good cures for virginity. Although, two women doing something with their vaginas together does not cure virginity. If you are doing this, what in the hell are you thinking?

But my roommate is a guy and I am also a guy and I am not homosexual. Then have sex with the next WOMAN who walks in. You must be a science major. Find a woman! You have no idea how fertile every woman on your campus is. You will realize this twenty years from now and regret not frantically running around trying to have sex with every single one of them.

Naked cyborg
Please understand that an inflatable doll is not a cyborg. Building a cyborg to have sex with will require many times more effort than just taking a regular human girl on dates and, you know, fucking her.
I enjoy having sex with the female cyborg I built that has a tail and hooves and pig ears that I keep in my closet. Is this okay? Do you mean are you curing your virginity? I do not think this is okay. You might be curing your virginity, I don't know. I think whether virginity is being cured here is a lesser issue. If you are having sex with cyborg animals, then I'd prefer you not procreate, so, sure, keep doing that. But remember, between cyborgs and actual people, it's an either/or thing. You can never go back. You've already kind of screwed yourself by having sex with a cyborg (screwing yourself does not cure virginity).

How about my… No. Do not have sex with your sister. Yes, technically this will cure virginity, but again, let's consider the bigger picture.

I have a debilitating social anxie… You know what? Fuck this. You are making this way too complicated. Just have actual sex with an actual person (not your sister)! That is all.

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.