The Setup
Lunch break time during one of my summer jobs—at the time I worked as a professional mover in Denver.
The Players
Jay: Old white guy. Swears a lot.
Red: Old black guy. Pretty much criticizes everything I do—justifiably, since I'm an idiot.
Cleo: Another old black dude, but this guy is nice. My best friend on the job.
KC: Back in time when I was a spry young lad at 20 years of age. In case you didn't figure it out from my profile photo, I'm white—race will come into play in the story, I promise.
Let the story begin!
(Scene: Eating on a picnic table.)
RED: (looking at KC's lunch of peanut butter and jelly) Hey Whiteboy! (Red's pet name for KC.) How you get so big eating that shee-it? You need some meat on your plate.
KC: This is all I know how to make.
RED: You ain't one of them herbivores… is you?
Motherfucking Whiteboy! Don't you know nothing? You never ask a man what the pen was like or what he was in there for!KC: No.
RED: Then get you a bitch to make you some lunch! Damn, Whiteboy.
CLEO: Red, lay off Whiteboy. He's got so many women, they don't have time to make him lunch. Ain't that right?
KC: Um, not really.
RED: Shee-it. Whiteboy. When I was your age, I'd be fucking two women a night. Drink two forties a night. And then wake up and work 40 hours a week. What's your problem?
KC: I don't know. Maybe I'm shy. I don't know many people in Denver.
RED: So, Whiteboy! What's to be shy about? Go out and meet people.
JAY: C'mon Red. It's hard in a new city when you're younger. How old are you, kid?
KC: I'm 20.
JAY: And what did you do when you turned 18?
KC: I went to college at South Dakota State University.
JAY: And you met a lot of new people. Right?
KC: Yeah.
JAY: Well, eventually you'll meet a lot of new people here. When I turned 18, I joined the Army. I met a lot of new people there. We old guys forget that being your age is a tough time sometimes. Especially when something new hits. How about you, Red? What did you do?
RED: When I turned of age, I started working even harder. I always worked, but back then I trained to be a chef. Black man shouldn't be in no white man's army, no offense.
JAY: None taken.
RED: (under his breath) Cracker.
JAY: How about you, Cleo?
CLEO: I wadn't always this kind old black man, Bill Cosby/Morgan Freeman, papa bear motherfucker. I used to run with some pretty bad people. I was young and stupid, did a drive by shootin'. Killed two dudes. I tossed the gun in the sewer. They found a shell casing with a partial fingerprint of mine on it. They only tied one murder to me. So when I turned 18, I ended up in California State Penitentiary.
KC: Holy shit! What was that like?
RED: Motherfucking Whiteboy! Don't you know nothing? You never ask a man what the fucking pen was like or what he was in there for!
CLEO: It's cool, Red. Whiteboy don't mean nothing by it. Jail is like here. Mexicans hang with Mexicans. White boys hang with white boys. We (motioning to Red) hang out with us. There's nothin' to do. Lots of weed going 'round. The food's bad. You can't leave. Motherfuckers watch you while you shit.
KC: Sounds kind of like college. (Everybody laughs, but Red. Then Cleo gets real serious.)
CLEO: Yeah. But then at night. The night motherfuckers. Night's the worst. You can't see nothin'. But you can use your ears. You hear motherfuckers crying at night. You hear people sharpening they knives. You hear people getting stabbed by them knives. You hear people getting buttfucked. You hear motherfuckers screaming.
(Any residue of smiles are completely gone.)
CLEO: And you know who gets it the worst?
KC: …
(Cleo grabs KC by the collar and gives him the crazy black man stare—if you've seen it, you know it.)
CLEO: The motherfuckers that get it the worst…are the white motherfuckers like YOU!!! In the clink, you the motherfucking minority! (Cleo pokes KC) In the cage, you the N****! (Cleo pokes KC again, now he's nearly falling off the bench seat.) You takin' notes, Whiteboy?
(KC starts choking on his PB&J. Cleo slaps him on the back.)
CLEO: How do you like that, KC?
KC: (shaking his head) I don't want to go to prison.
CLEO: Ah, Whiteboy. I just wanted to play with you. Whiteboys don't get buttfucked in prison. Everybody loves them. They get elected as prison presidents and movie stars and shit.
(Red and Cleo laugh their asses off. This time KC chokes on air alone.)
END
Epilogue 1: This is the exact moment I decided my minimal criminal career was absolutely not worth it—no more fake IDs, buying booze for minors, or even transporting tiny amounts of personal weed across state lines.
Epilogue 2: This story is completely true.