True story: a moving company once offered me a full-ride scholarship to trucker school. Instead I attended NYU and earned an English degree. And if you've ever been an English major, you know that truckers make a much better living than you.
My journey from Colorado to South Dakota would be about 1,600 miles round trip. Of course, I knew I'd get lost, hit a few gas stations and need to pull into the trees to go wee wee a few times. I cruised through Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa and South Dakota with a random pit stop in Minnesota – that's ten percent of the great states in the U.S. KAKOW!
Now, I'm a glutton for punishment, but I wasn't doing this for myself or just for fun, I needed to get to MFNS's wedding – as you know from "Deez Nupts: The End Of a Mother Effing Era."
But you don't drive twenty-four total hours through the amber waves of grain without making some keen observations and enjoying some cool experiences. Here goes:
COLORADO
Denver drivers are by far the worst drivers I've ever seen at any time and in any weather. It's like they're all foreign, blind sixteen-year-old girls.
Also, I saw more cops on the short stretch of road (only about 200 miles) than I did the entire other 1,400 miles in four other states.
Bonus: I saw the aftermath of what I think was a bank robbery. Not really that cool, but there were a bunch of cops standing around that yellow police tape.
NEBRASKA
Honestly, I lived in North and South Dakota, but you couldn't find a more boring state to drive through than Nebraska. Even though I'm a CU Buffalo, I don't hold anything against our rival NU Cornhuskers, but let me tell you, add some stupid roadside attractions, billboards or casinos to your very mundane state.
Watching the stalks of corn hour after hour puts me in a Zen-like state, which is great for your mental health, bad for when you're swerving into oncoming semi trucks.
I hit the coolest milestone on my return trip: my odometer hit 66,666 miles. Yay! Lil Bot's Ford Focus is truly the ride of the devil!
IOWA
Sioux City (or Sewer City as we Midwesterners call it) never fails to offend my nasal passages – there are a bunch of slaughterhouses, stockyards and meat processing plants. It's enough to turn any meateater in a hippie vegetarian. Okay, not that bad. And just looking at Sewer City's stretch of the Missouri River can give you hoof and mouth disease.
My biggest puss out was not driving to Riverside, Iowa, the future birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, but I just couldn't handle another eight total hours of driving. I'm sure I'll be through another time, and hopefully with some other sucker who wants to drive and visit nerdy Star Trek destinations that I like.
SOUTH DAKOTA
After ten hours of driving, I was really pumped to see the awesome roadkill in this grand state. And for the most part, the variety of squashed mammals impressed me, but about five miles from my house in Colorado, I literally saw four smashed raccoons in ten yards.
If you want to see a show, skip Broadway in New York City. Visit South Dakota during the Sturgis Rally. Bikers from around the world cruise through on the coolest choppers, Harleys or RVs. And honestly, don't be afraid of bikers – most of them are just bored dentists, except for the guy with the rattlesnake tattooed on his forehead, he's a veterinarian.
I forgot there are so many casinos in South Dakota. Casinos in bars, mini malls and blood banks. Plus, they have drive-through liquor stores. Beat that!
The beauty of South Dakota is that they've mastered tacky tourist traps. Rapid City is by far one of my favorite cities on the planet, and this is coming from someone who's been to Newark, New Jersey. Where else can you see an entire castle made of corn, the world's largest prairie chicken made out of paper mache or Wall Drug. I've never actually been to any of these places, but there are billboards all over the place telling you to go. There are also Mount Rushmore and Sitting Bull — which are sculptures made out of ENTIRE mountains!
MINNESOTA
I dare you to find nicer people that aren't on drugs or not trying to sell you anything.
I swear my friends are all alcohol enablers, but I think that's just Minnesota culture. Every time somebody stands up they ask you if you want a beer. It makes me really curious what a Minnesotan Alcoholics Anonymous meeting is like. Do they tap a keg and talk about how they just quit drinking Everclear?
There you have it kids!