Like any self-centered, egomaniacal columnist for a website that gets roughly 90% of its hits from my dog after a coke binge, I've decided to publish a running diary of my Spring Break exploits Live! from Las Vegas, Nevada. If you don't care (and honestly, why would you?) please feel free to kiss my ass. No really, pucker up.


Okay, so I didn't actually go to Vegas until Monday, but Sunday was very much noteworthy. First of all, I had my fantasy baseball draft, otherwise known as the catalyst for Absolute Devastation Upon My Friends. Seriously, I killed in the draft. Looking back, there are only two issues with my team: that I drafted Mariano Rivera, meaning that I essentially have to root for the Yankees to win, and Jason Giambi, meaning that I have to root for yet another Yankee—this one who used steroids, is grossly overpaid, and has had more weight changes in the past year than a bulimic elephant living on the moon.

The other diary-worthy element of this past Sunday was the Oscars, and I went a solid 2-for-6 in my picks. Mock if you will, but .333 is a pretty decent batting average. Besides, how was I to know the Oscars regarded astonishing beauty (Natalie Portman) as being less important than staggeringly irritating (Cate Blanchett). Yeah, I know. Hepburn really talked that way. I don't care. I didn't spend $8.50 to be annoyed for three hours.


Finally, time for the Vegas. Let me establish some stuff for the trip. All of my knowledge of Vegas is culled from Swingers, Casino, Bringing Down the House, and Bill Simmons' columns (from which this column is an explosive ripoff). I suck at poker, have a limited understanding of blackjack, don't even know the rules of craps, roulette, etc, and probably stand the best chance at the sports book (of course, the only major sports currently being played are basketball and NASCAR… great, why not set lines for women's rugby while we're at it?).

Our flight took off from Logan at 9:30 a.m. Now's a good time to mention that I get nauseous/stressed before any trip. It's really ridiculous. During last year's spring break to Daytona Beach, I threw up every day I was there. So before the flight, I'm feeling like shit, remembering in my head that I haven't flown since before September 11, and that if the plane crashes, at least it will be a quick way to die. (Definitely what you want to be thinking before a flight.) I decided to relax a little by buying a coffee from the airport Dunkin Donuts. Read that last sentence again. Anyway, I ended up getting the coffee for free because I only had a $20 and the cashier didn't have any change. Amazing… not even on the plane yet, and already being comped for shit. Good stuff.

As the flight took off, the nervous anticipation went away and I could settle back and watch the in-flight movie: Ladder 49. Huh? First of all, the movie sucked. It was like a straight-to-video Backdraft 2. Second, should a movie about firefighters really be an in-flight movie? The last time I watched a movie on an airplane, they had edited out the entire “You can't say ‘bomb' on an airplane!” scene in Meet the Parents. Now all of a sudden, you can show balls of fire, and buildings exploding. How does that make any sense?

Worthy of note, I was originally given the dreaded middle seat in coach, but Aisle Guy never showed and I took the aisle. That meant me and Window Guy (who bawled like a baby during Ladder 49, by the way) are living like kings. Free coffee, aisle seat. Very good stuff.

We finally land in Vegas and have dinner at New York, New York. This was the first casino not named Foxwoods or de Montreal that I've gambled in, and it's my new nemesis. I guess I should have known. I loathe New York City and State, New Yorkers, and everything they stand for. I lost $110 in 40 seconds. I'm not joking. I ran out of there like the building was on fire.

A half hour later, I was over at MGM Grand playing Caribbean Stud (think Hooked on Phonics applied to poker) and was promptly up $300. It was the gambling equivalent to the Red Sox comeback in the ALCS last year.

So my first night, I was up almost $200. Incredible for someone's who has never won at poker, ever.

After gambling and food, it was time to partake in Vegas' other cultural amenity: strip clubs! We headed over to the Paradise Lounge, and let me say this: the women in that club were the sexiest women I've ever seen.

This one chick had the biggest….

Continued next week. Suckers.