I‘m not sure if you've seen the Usher video for “OMG,” which is possibly the best named song of all time, after “LOL :)” by Trey Songz, but it features will.i.am making exaggerated hand movements while in a kilt.

Unfortunately, “kilt” is the first and last thing on that list, so I decided to think of things that black people can wear that white people can't because that pretty much writes itself.

Keep in mind, there's a chance that when you read some of the items on the list you'll say to yourself, “Hey Yaro, I know a white guy who wears that and he doesn't look ridiculous.” You're wrong, he does, and you're in deep denial.

Sunglasses Indoors

Inappropriate, unless he's literally blinded by her beauty.Some designer sunglasses can go for thousands of dollars, which is a lot of money to spend on something that you can only wear when the sun is out. As a result, some “free-thinkers” have decided to maximize the value of their shades by wearing them at all times of the day: at Walmart, around the house, and most importantly, at the nightclub. This look is ridiculous because only two types of white guys wear sunglasses at clubs: hipsters, and guys who aren't trying to be ironic. But both of them still look ridiculous.

Wearing your wayfarers indoors make you look like a lost Blues Brother or a blind guy who stumbled into the club to find his dog. Black guys always have an excuse for wearing sunglasses though: they look cool.

Excessive Jewelry

“Momma always said, ‘Life is like a box of chocolate.'”If you're white then you have no business wearing any sort of bling, unless you were born in Italy and have had a guy “whacked.” A watch or a small cross is fine, but any more than two chains and a medallion around your neck makes you look less like Tupac and more like a bootleg Paul Wall (which I guess is just a dopey kid from the South).

When black guys wear jewels, they go all out. Rappers don't even get normal jewels anymore, they get jewels in the shape of things. Kanye West has a diamond Jesus head, Sean Kingston has a bejewelled Crayola Box, and Yung Joc just has a foot-long diamond-and-gold letter “H.” Come on, white people! Are you even trying??

Hats with Straight Brims and Stickers

Straight brims: totally white-person-dumb.When I go to the store and buy something, I make sure that all the tags are removed before I wear it out. That's why I can't understand why people buy hats and make sure not to remove a single sticker—not even the barcode—and then wear them around like that. If you want people to know that you have money to blow, then don't leave the $50 price tag where everyone can see it; it just looks like you stole that hat.

Also, I know that some hats are meant for the brim to be kept straight at all times, but attention white people: you look stupid wearing it that way. Buy a hat that fits, take all stickers off of it, and then wear the hat around so that it can adjust to your head shape. As for black people, keep the stickers on. If anything, add more stickers; they're cheap at Walmart and you can get gold stars and stuff.


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