>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
November 6, 2005

Fact: Chances are, unless you have a severe fungus growing from your face, or a slightly deformed hump growing from your neck that trails down to your spine and ends somewhere near your tuckus, someone, somewhere on your campus is crushing on you right now. That means at this very moment, someone you know or don’t know, is either:

1. Thinking of you while playing with himself and in the back of his mind praying that his roommate doesn’t come back to the room early thus interrupting his “private time” with you. Or…

2. Writing out the names of your unborn children on a piece of scrap paper in the library trying to determine whether or not to take your last name should this imaginary relationship she’s got going on in her head ever get serious.

Both equally creepy. Both equally scary. Both so unnerving you’ll probably think twice now about the person in the front row of your econ class who always smiles and makes eye contact with you when you enter the room.

“Freshman girls have the tendency to crush on older guys, but don’t always have the confidence to approach them. That’s why you always carry around a spare beer.”

Statistics say that most crushes spawn from the classroom. Here’s some advice: arrive early on the first day of class and take a seat in the back. That way you can get a good look at all the potential coming in. If you have some friends bring them along, but don’t bring score cards, that would be bad. Very bad. Especially if there is someone out there with face fungus and a hump. Because that person will probably be so hurt it’d limp all the way up the lecture hall and gobble you up. Moving along, once you’ve determined your crush I’d recommend scoring a seat behind her/him. Not only will you always be able to ask to borrow a pen, but you’ll also be able to determine how frequently your crush bathes, brushes their hair, and looks put together. Because while we all have our off days, are you really going to want to continue crushing on someone who is a breeding ground for lice and crabs?

Crushing on someone in class is where you really get to know them personally from a distance. It’s a place where you can determine or not whether this person meets your academic standards. Which is really hypocritical because chances are you’re currently not even meeting your OWN personal academic standards. Regardless, if the professor calls on your crush and he replies with an articulate answer, maybe you’ve got not only a hottie, but someone who can carry an enlightening conversation, should that situation ever arise. On the other hand, you could watch him bomb his oral presentation that’s worth half of his grade, and have second thoughts. So while class is a great place to discover whether or not your crush meets your standards, in the near future it doesn’t really matter. Because when you meet up with him at the bar, and he says, “Don’t you sit behind me in econ? Yeah next class you should sit closer, like next to me,” it won’t matter or not whether he’s just asking to sit next to him so he can copy your midterm. The point is, asking him to borrow a pen every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday has finally paid off.

Most girls are really good at keeping their crush a secret. Some girls are so good at it they don’t tell anyone at all. So when one of their friends starts liking their secret crush, the girl with the secret crush is really good at secretly hating her friend who’s now dating her secret crush. Just more evidence that proves how complicated girls are.

Freshman girls have the tendency to crush on older guys, but don’t always have the confidence to approach them. That’s why you always carry around a spare beer. Doesn’t matter where you are—class, library, dining hall, church…sure it’s more appropriate at a party, but if you really want to get him to notice you, you’re going to have to go that extra alcoholic mile. Keep it cold and he’ll find it refreshing, just like you, his own St. Pauly girl.

Side note, ever been to one of those parties with handcuffs involved? You know, you get handcuffed to someone of the opposite sex and have to finish up a six-pack between the both of you before you can get uncuffed? Great idea if you get cuffed to a hottie. Great idea if you’re a guy too, since you have three drinks to make her pretty…you’d have six but she’s too busy dumping her three down the toilet and finding anything with a sharp edge that could potentially cut through cheap metal.

Being neighbors with your crush is a double-edged sword. Excuses for stopping by can be frequent and simple. “Hey can I borrow a roll of toilet paper?” sounds much better coming from someone who lives next to you than someone who lives on the other side of campus who happened to be in the neighborhood looking for a spare roll. On the other hand, living next door is a bitch when your crush brings home HIS crush after a party, and it’s not you. Not only does he pop over good naturedly to ask, “Hey, do you have any condoms?” but there are not enough cement and concrete blocks in the world to make those thin-ass walls between your bed and his any more sound-proof than they already aren’t.

A guy once told me that he always knew the exact moment a crush could turn into a relationship. It was the morning after a fully-clothed, no hanky panky sleepover, when he woke up and realized he didn’t want her to leave. When the possibility arose in his mind that, “Hey, this could work without alcohol,” he knew it was for real.

The best crushes are the mutual crushes. When all you have to do is look at each other and see all of the sexual tension staring right back at you from across the room. As you walk closer to each other it’s evident that there’s no need for words. The unspoken passion between you both is enough to communicate that yes, eventually the two of you will get down tonight, which is great if the person is staring at you from across an actual room, and not from across your dorm room through a television screen…because Dr. McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t only have eyes for you…bitch.

I think that crushing on celebrities is healthy, but only when you find yourself between real person crushes. Some people take their celebrity crush too far though. I once went to a Keith Urban concert (I went to school in Wisconsin where country music is and always will be acceptable) and this girl, let’s call her Crazy #1, sitting in front of me said she was going to marry Mr. Urban. The girl next to her, Crazy #2, whipped around furiously and said he was already happily married to a blonde woman sitting up front, presumably Mrs. Urban, and that if he did divorce her, Crazy #1 would never stand a chance. That’s when I quickly chugged beer number one through five, before a crazy cowgirl fight broke out and I wished the crush I went with had the brains to buy me six through ten.