>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
November 30, 2003

My freshman year I naively believed that I was special for getting a 2AM booty call from a hot upperclassman. Unfortunately for me, so were half the other girls on campus.

So let us define a booty call. It occurs when a fellow student of the opposite sex calls you up after the bars close (2AM or later) and puts in a request for you to come over and join him or her in an intimate affair.

Girls, allow me to explain the most common lines used to work you.

1. Guy's "Common Interest" Booty Call

Him: Hey [your name here] I was thinking of you. Why don’t you come over?
You: Who is this?
Him: It’s me. (This clears it up.)
You: I’m sleeping.
Him: That’s cool. I want to go to sleep to. So if you come over that’s exactly what we’ll do. We will sleep!

2. Guy's "Common Friends" Booty Call

Him: Hey there’s a party here you should come over.
You: Who’s at this party?
Him: (Proceeds to list off a whole bunch of names you’ve never heard before. After about ten names you begin to discover that their last names all begin with the letter C because he’s been reading them out of the school’s directory where he turned to find your name.)

3. Guy's "Uncommon Denominator" Booty Call

Him: I don’t care what you’re doing. I have to see you. (Bonus points if it sounds desperately dramatic like John Cusack in "Say Anything.")
You: You’re drunk, you don’t know what you want.
Him: (Puts his drunk friend on the phone and whispers for him to say that he is in fact not inebriated. This hoarse whispering will continue for a while until you call him on it, at which point he will pretend he has no idea what you are talking about and will probably slur to his friend "I think she’s on to us.")

Now guys, it’s a lot easier for girls to do the drunk dialing. Their booty calls go something like this.

1. Girl's "Common Interest" Booty Call

Her: Hey I am drunk.
You: I am drunk too.
Her: Want to come over?
You: Be there in ten. Who is this again?

2. Girl's "Rival Friends" Booty Call

Her: Hey I am drunk. (At this point she may be lying, but she’ll be damned if her rival gets together with you before she does—this is a last resort, but commonly used nevertheless.)
You: Hey I am drunk too! Be over there in ten. Who are you again?

3. Girl's "Jock Appeal" Booty Call

If you’re a sports player you’re special and it goes something like this.

Her: Hey it’s me. Good job at the game today. You played well.
You: Thanks, but not really. We got spanked.
Her: Well I can use a spanking myself.
You: Be there in ten. Who is this again?

Not subtle but it gets the point across.

Now don't get me wrong, booty calls are not always bad. If you’re looking for a night of liberating casual sex, good for you. But for no reason should you ever believe that these seemingly well-adjusted individuals calling you at ungodly hours for a booty call are secretly hoping that a serious relationship will materialize from this one invitation. The only stable relationship these people have is with the bouncer and the bartender. Now that’s real love.

Girls, if you’re getting more than three booty calls a night you should probably reconsider your actions and take a good long look at your reputation. Chances are you’re not sporting the pure Miss America ambience.

There’s nothing worse than seeing a guy who doesn’t mix it up a bit on the cheese platter of people. I knew this one guy who didn’t like to walk far for a booty call. You’d think he’d mix it up a bit—you know, pick a different girl from each of the surrounding dorms—but no, he remained stationary and consistent with Coleman fourth floor.

Unfortunately for me, there’s not a lot to choose from on the Lawrence cheese platter. Mostly Cheddar and a rare variety from Sweden.

And one last thing for the ladies: if you’re ever hooking up with a guy and have gum in your mouth, throw it away. Don’t go to bed thinking it will stay stuck to the roof of your mouth and bless your wakeup with minty fresh breath. Seriously, there’s nothing like waking up with mint goo all over your hand and the rest of last night's goo hardening all over your hair. Happy hookups!