>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
January 18, 2004

Whether you didn't get into your number one college, your fake ID was refused at the best bar, or you just caught your first dibs making out with your roommate, all of us at one point or another have experienced the brutal coldness of rejection.

When it comes to relationships in college, rejection lines seem to have developed their own language and interpretation. So now, not only do you have to read between the lines of your textbooks, you must also do it in social circumstances to really appreciate the deeper meaning of being dissed and dismissed.

This is an attempt to break down the code that lies within the most common phrases that have segregated collegiate America sexually for the past 200 years. I would have liked to say we learned the art of rejection from our mother country, but I've been to England, and at least when they reject you they do it in a quirky, clever manner that makes the not-so-beaming-smiled Hugh Grant so damn charming.

1. “I don't want to date anyone right now.”

Potential Meanings

* Rumor is your hot roommate with big boobs is going to be available soon and I'd rather use my right hand than your mouth until then.

* You and I aren't clicking and I can't figure out why the 20 minutes of silence today at lunch hasn't made you realize that I am just using you for sex. STOP TRYING TO MAKE THIS A RELATIONSHIP.

* You're a piss poor kisser. I am twenty years old. I don't have the time and patience to train what you should know how to do at this point. I can find better sex out there.

2. “I can't handle the serious commitment you're looking for right now.”

Potential Meanings

* Bros before hoes babe. Girls are for using and emotionally abusing. If you're still hot when I'm thirty give me a call.”

* If you had mentioned the word “future” one more time I would have pulled a Pimpy McBackhand move to your lip and knocked that word right out of your head.

3. “I think we're too good of friends. I don't want to lose the one person I can tell everything to without any judgment. I wouldn't want to lose that if it didn't work out between us.”

Potential Meanings

* I have been rather content using your stellar listening skills as an outlet for my emotional problems where my social life is concerned. At this point and time I can't afford professional help, so I hope you understand that while I can't date you, you're still onboard as my personal therapist.

* At this point and time I can't afford professional help, so I hope you understand that while I can't date you, you're still onboard as my personal therapist.

4. “We can see each other, but you're not my girlfriend.”

After extensive research and investigation, it appears that this line carries several different meanings, each with enough attached amendments and legislation to make the U.S. Constitution look like a color by numbers painting.

One definition claims that a female under this contract has to live up to the rules of a girlfriend (i.e. not allowed to sleep with anyone else), but may on occasion make out with another male individual that is not her boyfriend if she so desires. The guy in this type of relationship is allowed to make out and sleep with whomever he chooses, much to the chagrin of the original girlfriend character. Basically it's being able to have sex with someone who is more than a fuck buddy but less than a girlfriend. Aka cuddling not mandatory.

5. “You don't want me. I'm drunk.”

Potential Meaning

* You don't want me. I'm drunk…but sober enough to know that I am not waking up to your butterface tomorrow morning.

6. “I have to focus on my studies this semester.”

Potential Meaning

* I will be way too busy with the guys studying the difference between light and dark beer and its effects on sex with different girls firsthand. I can't handle any projects bigger than that right now.

7. “I would have no time for you, being on the hockey/football/lacrosse team.”

Guys, you can only use this if you're actually on a national recognized sports team. If you're participating in intramural bowling and throw a girl this line, consider yourself lucky someone with tits is hitting on you in the first place.

Potential Meaning

* I'm getting so much play by being an athlete that I'm not willing to give that up for anyone, but if you'd like to be apart of something awesome for just one night I can fit you in three weeks from Sunday. Show up my room around after practice.

8. “I'm kind of talking to another girl right now.” Or, “I have a girlfriend but thanks, I'm flattered.”

Potential Meaning

* You're massive black eyeliner and copious piercings indicate that you're not my type. And lucky for me, we go to such a big school that I know I will never see you again so I can lie to you guilt free.

9. “I'm confused as to what I want and who I'm looking for right now. I don't want to hurt you in the process of discovering who I am and who I am going to be.”

Potential Meaning

* There's a very big chance that I am going to move up to New York City and explore my career options in, on and off Broadway Theater. And you're nice, but all this William is looking for right now is a Grace to share an apartment and possibly be the surrogate mother of my future children. I think that may be too much for you to handle right now.

10. “I love you.”

Potential Meaning

You wouldn't think this would be a rejection line, but this is the one line girls keep up their sleeves, used only in times of emergency—like when we've found someone better looking. And it gets rid of guys fast. Trust me, we know this. We use this. We love this. This line is thrown out casually and as naturally as possible during a movie or tickling fight. Once the L-bomb is dropped there is no turning back. He will run before another explosion, leaving you free.

Random Rejection Thoughts

* How does Prince William turn down the ladies? Is it something like, “I'm sorry I'm already committed- to England.” Or, “Email me your pedigree and then we'll talk.”

* If a guy wakes up at 8 and the girl wakes up at 8:10 after a random hook up who will reject who first?

* The worst rejection line I've ever heard a friend give to her boyfriend at the time was, “Please. Please. I am begging you get some friends and a hobby.” I believed he replied with an “I love you.”