Simon Says

A modern twist on an age-old children’s game. Follow these simple instructions and get ahead in the game of life.

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Dear Mother,

Simon says Happy Mother’s Day to quite possibly the most tolerant, level-headed, and understanding mother in the entire world. Simon says please don’t throw away this letter before you read it, even though you probably want to. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, it’s just that, for whatever reason, I can’t help it.

For starters, I realize how obnoxious it is that I always refer to myself in the third person prior to offering a suggestion of what one must or should do. Not only is the third-person thing annoying, but the fact that it ends up sounding like a command is likewise off-putting. Simon says raise your hand if you want to slap me for that behavior. Ugh. See what I mean?

But instead of kicking me to the curb or sending me to a reform school for entitled, snarky know-it-alls (who also insist on speaking with a British accent whilst in public), you accepted my quarks and loved me anyway. Simon says you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize.

Simon says let me tell you something: after having worked with millions of children across the globe, put me in an accredited mental institution or a plush recovery center—and fast. Those little shits are the worst. Sometimes they listen, most of the time they don’t, even though the Simon Says rules are very clear and totally obvious to anyone with half a brain cell. Simon says don’t love them for being idiotic, do whatever you can to get away from them. And yet, mother, you stayed.

Simon says go to the spa, buy yourself a fancy dress, treat yourself to dinner, drink an entire bottle of champagne if you have to; but whatever you choose to do for yourself this Mother’s Day, I also ask politely (this is very hard for me, but I’m trying) that you forgive me for being such a little prick.

Simon says please don’t cry. I know you’ve been waiting 40 years to hear me say something to this effect, and you’re probably very emotional right now. Simon says have the best Mother’s Day ever, and I look forward to seeing you soon. Whenever and wherever you want, on your terms.

For once, this Simon doesn’t have anything else to say.

Love,
Your son

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