The following is a resignation letter from the most respected man in a society as secretive as Skull and Bones and as influential as The Illuminati. It was found in a place where one would expect to find such a letter—in a very secretive place few people have access to (write your own fucking joke). I've wanted to put it in a place where nobody would ever look, so I'm posting it here:
If you're reading this letter it means I've left this wretched society. Sure I loved the exclusive perks and god-like adoration, but enough is enough.
Perhaps I've gotten ahead of myself; "What society is this you speak of?" Oh, didn't you know? There's this thing called the Hipster Aristocacy, and it's kind of a big deal. At least, it used to be…
We used to be able to keep a secret to ourselves. Sure we would tell the "peons" about the next big pop act, but we had our own indulgences. Do you know what I heard in the mall when I was getting my antique watch repaired? Mumford & Sons. IN THE MALL. How did we let that one spill, guys? How did the general public get a taste of our alt-juice? You "peons" may not know this, but we were actually on Twitter in 2001, before it even existed. It was a great way for us to communicate, but now every bro can, and has, leeched off our buzz by spying on our twittersations. And that's just the music! I can't even count how many times I walked into a bar last month and saw people drinking PBR unironically!
Maybe it's time to stop being so "alt" and take a step back. The gentrification was great while it lasted, and maybe being mainstream isn't so bad; the Olive Garden they opened up down the block has great bread. No, it's not kosher or gluten-free, but I don't care anymore if my chest piece tattoo starts to sag with my man-boobs. I'll just wear a shirt and tie every day; I have a closet full of knitted ties anyway and now that Justin fucking Timberlake wore one in that movie they're mainstream, so I guess it all works out.
It's kind of freeing, this feeling of being stale. I hope all my brothers and sisters follow me out of their ivory towers (literally) and wade into the lame, er…mainstream.