If you had the displeasure of watching the Golden Globes this year, you would have seen Ricky Gervais deliver witty punch lines at the expense of celebrities (how dare he?!) all night long. But the shit really hit the fan when, at the end of the ceremonies Ricky said, “I'd like to thank God for making me an atheist.”

The question of religion is almost as old as time itself but it's only recently that we can openly question it without being beheaded or having stones thrown at us. As a college student, you are experiencing a very wonderful and mysterious time in your life, one where you can openly question your religion and even change or abandon it if you want. Why would you do this? Here's a quick list of reasons:

  • You're suffering from an existential crisis brought on by a heavily bearded philosophy professor.
  • You read a few pages of your roommate's Richard Dawkins book.
  • You want to piss off your religious parents without having to fear the consequences that come from living under the same roof as them.
  • You are in possession of a lot of meat that needs to be sacrificed.

The problem with atheism is that it's so 2009! That is where I come in.

Too long have we worshipped boring or jealous Gods that don't turn into bulls and ravage young virgins. I think it's time for a religious throwback. As such, I've converted to Greco-Roman Polytheism: the worship of the Olympic Gods.

Life has never been easier. Whenever I'm having a crisis with say, the ocean, I can simply pray to Poseidon to change the tides and know that he'll get around to it eventually. No more undirected prayers getting lost in the mail on the way to Jesus.

How can Greco-Roman Polytheism benefit you in your daily college life?

Dionysus Greek God of WineIf you're a frat boy, pray to Dionysus.

Not only was he the God of wine, he was also the God of “fucking shit up,” and exercised that power often. He rode around on a jaguar and was prone to turning people into dolphins on a whim. You should pray to him if you want to throw wicked parties, start some lust-filled orgies, or keep your keg bottomless. Just hope that he doesn't decide to show up, because then you'd have to deal with a horny bull all night long.

Persephone Greek Goddess of the HarvestIf you're a drug dealer, pray to Persephone.

This goddess of the harvest will make sure that your basement greenhouse continues to provide you with bountiful and potent “crops.” Just make sure that you only pray to her during the Springtime months because during the winter she becomes Goddess of the Underworld, and as such, only deals with things like death and pestilence (although this can prove useful if you're looking for a way to stop your nosy neighbor from asking about all those heat lamps you keep around).

Aphrodite Greek Goddess of LoveIf you're a virgin, pray to Aphrodite.

Having trouble meeting women? Prone to debilitating anxiety when a girl looks at you? Have no fear; if anyone can get you laid, it's Aphrodite. Just shoot her a prayer and you're guaranteed to get some sort of amorous affection directed towards you! Just find yourself a slab of ox meat, marinate it in its own blood for a day or so, and leave it as a sacrifice. Then wait for the girls to come crawling.

Apollo Greek God of the SunIf you're a bro, pray to Apollo.

Apollo was the local bro on Mount Olympus, seducing nymphs with his lyre (the Greek equivalent of the modern day acoustic guitar), killing dragons, and worshiping the sun all day (i.e. tanning). As such, it makes sense to ask him for help with stuff like curing a killer hangover, getting a perfectly even tan, or getting rid of that weird rash that's been on your inner thigh since Frosh Week.

That's just a cross-section of what you can expect when you convert. Some Gods are even in the business of smiting, a long lost art in today's religion. So give Greco-Roman Polytheism a spin; it can't be any more ridiculous then believing in zombie sky wizards, and while all your friends are worrying about their finals you can relax knowing that Athena has your back. Just beware of wild bull rape.