Dear Pizza Barn – Home of the Barnstormer Pizza, with 10 types of cheese and 14 toppings, guaranteed to be a hit at any party, event or full-class feeding frenzy:

My name is Buddy O'Leary. I'm 16 years old and I've been a pizza delivery boy for your company for three months now. I'm enjoying the job so far. I enjoy driving the Pizza Barn Delivery Tractor Truck. My mom likes discounts on pizza and my dad likes that fact that I have a job. I am learning a lot about business, time management and pizza.

Pizza Barn delivery boy flicking off cameraBut I have a serious problem with your company.

In the 28 shifts I've worked so far, not once has a girl answered the door in a towel, rummaged through her purse only to find she spent all her cash on lubricants, and then offered sexual favors in exchange for the pizza.

NOT A SINGLE FUCKING TIME!

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

Then there was the time I delivered to a seedy hotel, hoping this was my chance to walk in on two lesbians making out, but it was only a dirty hippie who ordered a sauerkraut pizza. My clothes still smell like pickled cabbage. Yuck.

Good CEO sir, I shave every day for work, my high school's tennis team keeps me in shape, and I wash my uniform weekly. So it has nothing to do with my looks.

I demand we do something in order to draw in the type of blond, naked chicks with 36DD boobs who don't mind sleeping with a pizza boy who may or may not be a virgin — what I mean is, my friend, um, Eddie, who also works with me, has never really seen, er, a naked girl. I'm definitely not a virgin.

If you can't remedy this situation, I will be forced to submit my resignation. I am looking at positions in the cable TV repair business, pool cleaning, and Catholic high school teaching.

Sincerely,

Buddy O'Leary signature

Buddy O'Leary

P.S. Maybe we should cut off the sleeves on our t-shirts and wear denim shorts. That seems to help the pizza boys in the DVD stash my older brother keeps under his bed.

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