>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
May 5, 2004

Nicole is taking the week off for her research paper, so Amir will be fielding her questions. This is a bad idea for two reasons. First, men are notoriously horrible at giving advice, and second, I have decided to chime in too.
 

Dear Nicole,

I need new ways to entertain my guy in bed and when having sex. Got any ideas?

-Tashanna
 

Dear Tashanna,

It's a good thing I'm answering this question instead of Nicole. After sex men are entertained by non-sexual activities. Learn how to juggle! Take up the flute or bongo drum. How about some cross-country skiing?! Whatever you do, just do it in the other room, it's nap time, slut.

Oh, and I'll be ready in five, so don't be a stranger.

Sincerely,
Amir

 

 
Dear Nicole,

My best friend made out with my boyfriend when I was away on a trip. Although she says that she did nothing, there are a couple of witnesses who saw everything.

Should I confront her, or just let it go?

-Lina
 

Dear Lina,

He did this, she did that, they saw something, she says nothing….sounds like you're playing “Telephone” with a bunch of kindergartners. My advice would be to let it ring through to voicemail, take a nap during storytime, and then refuse to let her play with your toys at recess. If she gets defensive, let it go and then scream “SHE'S NOT SHARING!!”

Sincerely,
Court

 

 
Dear Nicole,

How do i get one of my good friends to get over her ex? (who hav been together for 1.5yrs) Oh and improve my grammer?

-Cort
 

Dear Cort,

The answer to both questions is ENGLISH CLASSES.

Sincerely,
Amir

 

Dear Cort,

The answer to both questions is COURT.

Sincerely,
Court

 

 
Dear Nicole,

I fell in love with a guy with the initials STD and I really want an STD from STD! But, when I confronted him about this after hours of verbal sex, he gave me the “I like you like a friend” shit. What to do?

Signed,
Mrs. STD

 

Dear Mrs. STD,

If he were a REAL friend, he'd share his herpes or gonorrhea with you. This guy sounds like BAD NEWS! However, if you really want that STD, I suggest coughing on your own vagina.

Sincerely,
Amir

 

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