>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
February 2, 2005

It's almost Valentine's Day, and you know what that means: Time for our Second Annual Valentine's Day Massacre! Last year you submitted your Valentine's Day disasters for public mockery, and we all had a good laugh at your expense. This year, we're continuing the humiliating tradition with stories of your worst love experiences. Did your boyfriend dump you for another guy? Did your girlfriend turn out to be another guy? It doesn't have to be about Valentine's Day, as long as it's funny, embarrassing, or morbidly fascinating. Tell us about it and the best stories will be posted next week. Now here's a Valentine's question to get your (creative) juices flowing.



Dear Nicole,

I have read your “works” on PIC, and I must say, you give a lot of cute lighthearted “answers” to people's questions. Maybe you can do the same for me.

I was a rich boy who grew up with money and didn't care about nobody. But 5 years ago, I met this wonderful girl…and for the first time, I actually cared about somebody. We became friends, and about 3 years ago I realized I had grown to love her. But she didn't return my feelings. So to save myself some pain…I chose to distance myself from her.

During the time when we were close friends, it transformed me into a better person, I valued people more than things, but I haven't been happy since. My search for that special girl yielded no results and most girls I encountered happened to be shallow, interested only in the physical and not interested in commitment. Bad luck I suppose, but the ones that are not like that are already taken.

The problem is, despite my attempts to get on with my life, whenever I see a happy couple (as almost all my good friends now have committed relationships or married/getting married) I feel sad, angry and frustrated.

Now Valentine's Day is coming up. I know it will be hell on earth for me. What should I do?


Dear PKT,

We've all had that first love, the one where you fall hard for someone…and usually sustain brain damage on impact. (I was lucky, my first heartbreak happened on Astroturf.) It takes awhile to get up off the ground, but you've already had three full years. If Valentine's Day is “hell on earth” just because you don't have a girlfriend, you aren't ready to be in a relationship. No woman wants to be the only thing standing between you and a nervous breakdown. We can smell desperation, which is really very impressive when you consider that it is frequently combined with cheap cologne.



Dear Nicole,

I love my gf but i also love her sister and i was wondering if i would be able to nail both of them. is it morally ok?


Dear iwannabeme,

It's so refreshing to come across someone like yourself, with so much love to give. Keep up the good work.



Dear Nicole,

Is there a bot with AIM that will have cyber sex with me? Anyone? Boy or Girl?


Dear Sansam,

Have you tried the Humor Bot? I hear it's a total slut.