A showcase of one male's pathetic attempts to fight his basic instincts and grow up, despite the fact that the very idea makes him sick.

Column Archives | 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005 | Snippets

2008 – Present

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April 2008

Stop Fucking with My Money | 4-17-08
American money was meant to look kick ass, not pretty and colorful. Lay off the queer design changes, U.S. government.

I Think I Know What I'm Doing | 4-10-08
At no time can you actually know what you're doing, otherwise you'd be better at it. And perfection is unattainable.

A Rock and a Fake Place | 4-3-08
Imagine this situation: You're about to breakup with your girlfriend, but she dies first, leaving you in pseudo-mourning. Tough break.


March 2008

How to Have a Good Time | 3-27-08
Are you shy, annoying, or completely awkward in social situations? Don't worry, here's how to loosen up and have fun.

The Melters: Objects of Ejaculation | 3-20-08
In the male fantasy there are only beautifully toned, tanned chicks, and made-up faces covered in cum. Surprise: these sluts really exist!

Good Times at Langerado | 3-13-08
Nate and six friends trek to the Langerado Music Festival for three days of drinking, joking, and tuning in to the spiritual effect of music.

Critique This | 3-6-08
Everyone's a critic, as they say, but none more those by profession. It takes a lot more to create something than to insult it though.


February 2008

Fat Cop Will Not Give Up the Crullers | 2-27-08
A boy picked on at school exacts revenge on four jocks who teased him relentlessly. At least some people aren't stuck in their ways.

You Ma'am, Are a Bitch | 2-20-08
You drink overpriced wine, you fuck your college professors, and you turn every moment into a drama-filled spectacle. Suck a dick, bitch.

You Sir, Are a Douche | 2-13-08
You played lacrosse in college, you talk shit about poor people, and you won't stop telling that stupid, fucking story. Go away.

The Shortest Job I Ever Had | 2-6-08
In most respects, McDonald's is one of the simplest jobs to get and keep. Unless you absolutely can't bite your tongue around old people.


January 2008

How to Throw a Good Super Bowl Party | 1-30-08
There's a simple formula to guarantee that your Super Bowl party does not suck, and it involves more than just beer, food, and a TV.

I'm Going to Canada |1-23-08
A time comes when silence is betrayal, especially when one has to vomit. And that time has come for Nate in relation to Iraq.

Top 4 Reasons I'd Rush a Shit | 1-16-08
Nobody likes to take a dump in a hurry. That being said, the few things we'd rush a #2 for probably amount to some important shit.

Trying the Girlfriend Thing Again | 1-9-08
Every couple of years even the most unfit of men will find himself a woman for 3 months of monogamous sex. Let's see how this one goes down.

Hopeful in 2008 | 1-2-08
New Year's resolutions are for the unhappy. Hopes and dreams, however, can allow any man to with death upon Britney Spears.


December 2007

My 5 Favorite Things About Christmas | 12-26-07
The party platter of awesomeness that makes Christmas the coolest holiday is a combination of family, football, friends, liquor and gifts.

The Origin of Primal Urges | 12-19-07
132 columns and countless blogs later, Nate reflects on how he came to write for PIC. Here's to the magic word, “asshole.”

I Piss People Off, Get Over It | 12-12-07
He may say the wrong things, and he may say some insensitive things, but you don’t like him anyway so what do you care? Suck it up.

Five Jobs Men Shouldn't Hold | 12-5-07
Call it sexist or un-PC, but the fact is, some jobs should be strictly women's work. Otherwise it'll ruin everyone's nurse/maid
fantasies.


November 2007

Your Christmas Wish List | 11-29-07
Nate hands out gifts to everyone from sports fans to crack-whores. It may not be what you asked for, but it's probably just what you need.

Four Dudes Talking in the Woods | 11-22-07
If a wall stands in a forest and no one is around but some druggies, does it still pose a challenge? Or is it just something to lean against?

Thanks Be to Girls | 11-14-07
Ladies, I know Nate's written some things about you that were sexist, rude, and judgmental, but that's all about to change. At least once.

Girls Kissing Girls, For God and Country
| 11-7-07
Listen girls, you need to start kissing your girl friends more often. Free drinks, boners, and new friendships await your patriotic display of affection.


October 2007

The Old Record Store Scam | 10-31-07
Beefing up your CD collection is a lot easier when you've got a hot, groupie slut in your back pocket (and down the store employee's pants).

Five Suckass Foods | 10-25-07
Unfortunately, exercise alone doesn't constitute a health kick. You also have substitute your horrible American diet for boring, bland shit.

The Shizmessedup Religion | 10-18-07
Worship is easy when you're part of a religion that assumes nothing in the world really makes sense. Just kick back, relax, and tithe regularly.

Oh the Places You Will Sweat | 10-10-07
Working out is about more than looking and feeling good. It's about meathead rivalry, MILFs, and sizing up potential girlfriends.

Healthy Kicks Suck | 10-4-07
Nate's decided to shed years of fat and scarred lungs with a strict new diet. Who would've thought his first resistance would be the police?


September 2007

The Day I Burnt My House Down | 9-26-07
Anyone will tell you that flames and plastic make fire. Unless you're a typical 7th grade male trying to burn your initials into your bed.

I Should Have Been a Marriage Counselor | 9-19-07
With 60% of marriages ending in divorce, it's time to rethink the institution of marriage, not blame the cheating parties involved.

USF: Up and Coming for Your Ass | 9-12-07
With their win over traditional powerhouse Auburn, the 11-year-old South Florida Bulls football team made a statement: Fuck your school.

Don't Think of Them as Lies | 9-5-07
To a certain degree, the lies we tell are the basic foundations for our male/female relationships. Try to think of them as “truth-protectors.”


August 2007

The Middle Class Circle of Life | 8-29-07
If growing up just means sacrificing your youth and good times in the name of family and mortgage payments, what's the point?

Nobody Likes a Dead Dog | 8-22-07
Personality goes a long way for a dog. If we loved the cock just as much, it might be totally uncool for them to fight, too.

You Deserve a Beater Bitch | 8-15-07
It's true, you can actually find a woman to love, honor and smack around 'til death do you part. Get her young and break her in!

20 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married | 8-8-07
Don't tie the knot until you've come to a mutual understanding. Like, man make money, wife use money to take care of everything else.

What the Hell, Chica? | 8-1-07
Ladies, there's never a right time to allow your boyfriend to use you as a punching bag. Yet some of you keep bouncing back. Please explain…


July 2007

Thanks for Serving, I Owe You a Beer | 7-25-07
Battles may be unpopular, but the soldiers who commit to the next round of any fight in the name of freedom deserve a round on us.

Legalize It (No, Pothead, The Other It) | 7-18-07
Thanks, U.S. government, for telling us exactly when and how gambling is not wrong and immoral. Bet that goes for marijuana too, huh?

Fair is Where You Get Cotton Candy | 7-11-07
Life is pretty sweet, but its not all fun and games. Remember what your dad told you next time you get cheated: “Life ain't fair, kid.”

I Need Your Help | 7-4-07
If Nate could sell you on words alone, there would be no problem. Unfortunately, some people actually judge a book by its cover.


June 2007

Four Ways to Avoid Getting Played | 6-27-07
Some women are only out for a free apartment and a meal ticket, but you can minimize the odds of ending up with a cheating drifter hustler.

Preparing for Moral Crisis | 6-20-07
You may need to prepare a few choice words to overcome times of moral dilemma, but first you need to identify your high-risk people.

The Power of Three Lovers | 6-13-07
Is it incredibly stupid and arrogant to think that one can derive most of the human emotions they desire from one other person? Sure is.

Alcohol is a Crutch, Not a Problem | 6-6-07
People say you have a drinking problem, but have they really looked at the alternatives? It's time to take a stand for alcohol independency.


May 2007

Earning a Dick's Respect | 5-30-07
Hey girls, tired of being treated like sluts and whores? Here are four simple, sex-free things you can do to get more respect from men.

Congraduations, Class of 2007 | 5-23-07
It’s an honor to speak to you today and let you know how fucked you are. Seriously. You made a huge mistake. You graduated.

The Guest Preacher | 5-16-07
The guest preacher stands at the pulpit. He is donned in a beaten Army Flak jacket, a pair of ripped jeans, and a beer stained t-shirt.

Punch These Guys in the Mouth | 5-3-07
When things get out of line, it's time to put your mano where their mouth is. You'd be surprised how much a knuckle sandwich can fix.


April 2007

No Surprises Here | 4-25-07
The world is constantly trying to throw us curveballs. But by the 9th inning of Britney Spears' cycle of crazy, we can see it coming.

Keep Your Chin Up | 4-18-07
When you ask the big questions, seldom is there an answer. If you take a step back, you'll see that the world is what it is. Brilliant huh?

The Castrating Bitch and the Whipped Puss | 4-11-07
There's always one guy you know whose girlfriend is a total bitch. And unless he grows numb to the whip, don't expect your friendship to last.

The Internet is Weird | 4-4-07
You meet some weird people on the internet, but once in a while you'll stumble upon a great night and story to follow. Thanks stripper poet.


March 2007

Three Ducking Quackholes | 3-29-07
Once upon a time, there were three ducking birds who couldn't shut their quackholes. Would anybody like to comment on the subtext?

The Sports Lull and the Good Ride | 3-21-07
Women: first they want none of your attention, and then they want all of it. In other words, when the game is on, your game is on.

Fine Tuning the Little Things | 3-14-07
The little things can ruin a relationship just as easily as the big ones. She wants to talk and you want a threesome; turns out size matters.

An Open Letter to Future PIC Columnists | 3-7-07
Think you got the dangling participles it takes to be a PIC writer? First change your name, then buy a pair of sunglasses. Here comes infamy.


February 2007

The Meanings of Life | 2-21-07
And all this time you thought there was one magic answer. Turns out there are plenty of things to live for, besides bitches.

Solving the World's Problems for Free | 2-14-07
Every time a politician is blown, God destroys a nuke. The solution to major world problems has been right under our nose this whole time.

How to Write Good | 2-7-07
There's nothing more pompous, conceited, arrogant, or self-absorbed than writing about writing. Which is why Nate has finally caved.


January 2007

Rocco's Afterlife Dream | 1-31-07
Even if you had the life of your dreams, it still might not work out right. Take the good with the bad and all that.

Long-Term Benefits | 1-25-07
Stick around long enough with the same girl and you'll get to share a clean apartment, lots of sex, and great arguments about both.

An Open Letter to America | 1-17-07
Hey United States. Look I'm not trying to be critical, I just have some questions about, you know, things like Cheney, nudity, and money.

Good Intentions Ain't All That Helpful | 1-10-07
Wingman is an honorable role to play, except when your story starts to fly south. Then your buddy is just an asshole.

Invent THIS, America | 1-3-07
It would be really nice if someone could get around to making these dreams a reality. I'm not going to do it, but I'm just saying.


December 2006

Season's Greetings from the DeGraaf Apartment
| 12-27-06
It's been a busy year at the DeGraaf apartment, both sexually and otherwise. He hopes you too can be fulfilled,
sexually and otherwise.

The Six Girls You Meet in a Relationship | 12-20-06
If the girl you're dating doesn't fit one of these types, beware. She might be firing on all six cylinders of crazy.

It's Not Like I Killed Your Daughter | 12-13-06
Your daughter was a saint, and she's in a better place now… especially after the torture I put her through. God Bless her.

Don't Be a Douche on Christmas | 12-6-06
It doesn't matter what you celebrate, only that you do. If you fuck up my holidays, I'm going to stuff my boot in your stocking.


November 2006

I'm Sorry I Fucked Your Wife | 11-29-06
Okay, I'll admit screwing your wife in public was wrong, but completely emasculating you in the process, well, that was way out of line.

Thanksgiving Thankfulness | 11-22-06
Even though Hallmark has monopolized most of modern day gratitude, there still comes a time when you must set a list in stone.

Clinging to the Day I Met Jesus | 11-15-06
People spend their whole lives looking high and low, trying to find Jesus. Who knew he's been slinging drinks in Tampa this whole time?

Seven Steps to One Night Stands | 11-8-06
If you're looking to get lucky, these seven steps are your stairway to heaven, aka the drunk girl at the end of the bar. She ain't no angel.

An Open Letter to the Snoring Girl | 11-1-06
Baby, I stay up all night just thinking about you, but the truth is, you're a snore in the bedroom. Don't send me a letter unless it's a “Z.”


October 2006

Hey Women: Be Good | 10-25-06
Well-behaved women rarely make history. But if they want respect, they will make breakfast, money, and sweet love every night.

Why Men Love Sports | 10-18-06
If you want your man to show some bonding, emotion, and sensitivity, take him out to the ballgame. Afterward, be ready to round the bases.

I Know What Love Is | 10-11-06
Love is an ethereal concept that has been studied over the ages, but once you boil it down, it's really just a matter of money.

You're Addicted to Drugs | 10-4-06
No matter how you slice it, snort it, or shoot it, you're still an addict. Grab an instrument and become the next great to die before his time.


September 2006

A Tale of the Ages | 9-27-06
Your friends say you need to grow up. But when you've got willing college girls and alcohol at your fingertips, what's the hurry really?

How to Treat Your Women | 9-20-06
Depending on your relationship, there are certain expectations for how to treat your lady. Open the door for her so she can get the fuck out.

How's Your Day Going? | 9-13-06
Reading the subtext in someone's language can be a tricky thing. For instance, that last sentence just told you to fuck off.

Weekend at Curty's | 9-6-06
Nate and Mike in St. Augustine: the patron saint of alligator-watching, naked girls puking, and measuring asses via the plank system.


August 2006

Shaving the Pubic Hair Stereotypes | 8-30-06
Pubic hair is a roadmap to a girl's personality. The shaved look is giving you the all clear, but slow down if you find yourself in the school zone.

Confession of a Dildo Faggins | 8-23-06
Take it from Stern, anal stimulation ain't as gay as it's cracked up to be. Or just laugh at him from behind his back.

Putting the Fun in NFL | 8-16-06
Remember when all you had to look forward to on Sunday was worshipping God? Me neither, the NFL retired his number years ago.

Texting Her Limits | 8-9-06
Technology that gets you laid at the push of a button? Unless you're all thumbs, it's time to put your phone charm to the text.

Clinging to the Dream Lover | 8-2-06
Inside every grown man there is a young boy dying to come out. Just pray that no little boys have had those grown men inside them.


July 2006

Cumming to the Truth | 7-26-06
When it comes to letting women know how you feel, you better have a towel ready. The truth can be a heavy load to take face to face.

Begging the Female Questions | 7-19-06
When it comes to women, men are understandably lost. Don't bother stopping at the nearest gas station, NO ONE speaks her language.

Black Rules for White Men | 7-12-06
Caucasians: struggling to make black friends, or merely to overcome your racist tendencies? Learn the rules and avoid the gray area.

A Stripper's Favorite Sci-Fi Scenes | 7-5-06
Bunni the Stripper (Nate's break-up contest winner) reveals her top… sci-fi movie moments. She can blow up my Alderaan any day!


June 2006

How to Be a Drug Dealer | 6-28-06
Just like any other child's game, drug dealing has rules you must heed. Step one, look both ways before getting beaten and robbed.

The Four Levels of Slut | 6-21-06
Sluts can be rated on a number scale, but unlike hurricanes, you don't need a weatherman to tell which way she blows. (Hint: Up and down.)

License to Kill | 6-14-06
Congress has gone trigger happy, neglecting the 2nd Amendment for sissier ones like the 46th Amendment: the right to not bleed profusely.

Learning from Doug | 6-7-06
Doug is a single parent who balances hangovers with sleepovers. He's someone you should look up to while passed out on the floor.


May 2006

My Internet Year | 5-31-06
Nate's made it a whole year as a writer on PIC. If this is him at 12 months, I hate to see what he'll be like in his terrible twos.

A Man's Guide to Being a Dick | 5-24-06
Tired of trying in vein to get pussy? Being a dick is harder than it looks, but with a little bit of cockiness, you're on your way up.

My Ideal Woman | 5-17-06
Women are like cars: complicated and fun to ride. Choose your make and model wisely, or you might end up an emotional wreck.

The Least Refreshing Cool Breeze Ever | 5-10-06

Nothing freezes crime in its tracks like a neighborhood-wide police sweep. So Operation Cool Breeze brought the heat on minor offenses.

Pat Tillman: Better Man Than I | 5-3-06
Imagine giving up lots of money to defend your country in the military. And then dying in the process. No, you're not that big of a man yet.


April 2006

Life is Harder for Men | 4-26-06
Women have no idea what it's like working for the man at a nine to five. Men had no idea that orgasms could even last that long.

How to Talk to Drunks | 4-19-06
If a raging drunk is talking nonsense, but nobody is there to listen, will he ever stop making sound? No, but it's not his fault.

Women Who Hate Women | 4-12-06
Even women think women are crazy. That's why they would all prefer to have boys, who can't get knocked up at 16 like they did.

Striking Out Little Kids for Cash | 4-5-06
As an umpire, you get paid to make the rules. What other job lets you yell at parents and round the bases with their daughters?


March 2006

The Graveyard | 3-29-06
When you grow up next to a graveyard, you often find yourself buried deep in thought. And perhaps balls deep in a sweet, young thang.

How to Keep Your Girl Happy | 3-22-06
The secret to successful relationships? Channel your efforts into lying, drinking, and making money. And then don't touch that dial.

Ten Things to Believe In | 3-15-06
Forget religion, marriage, and sports teams. It's time to put your faith in something that will always be there…like a girl's mouth.

A New Age of Consent | 3-8-06
Why are 16-year-olds allowed to drive, but not to hop in the back seat with creepy old men? Isn't it about time we lowered the bar, America?

Multitasking the Blowjobs | 3-1-06
Problem: not enough time for oral pleasure. Solution: combine task at hand with task in mouth. I can see your productivity rising already.


February 2006

Social Experiments, The Nate Way | 2-22-06
Cutting yourself off from communication, cleanliness, and coitus couldn't be THAT bad right? Or IS there more to life than breasts…

Educating Ricky | 2-15-06
Like most nice guys, Ricky is destined to finish last with the majority of short-term female prospects. So he must learn to be an asshole.

Get Polite, Bitches | 2-8-06
Thinking of having sex with a woman? Not until you know how to approach her with manners befitting the asshole gentleman you are!

Happy Super Bowl | 2-1-06
The day of the highest rated show on TV has all the makings of a federal holiday: food, friends, and fun. Too bad it's already on Sunday.


January 2006

A Call for the Typical Male | 1-25-06
After all the time men have invested in adopting emotions recently, it turns out women actually want the alpha male back. Fair enough.

Nate Has a Dream, Too | 1-18-06
What Martin Luther King, Jr. has given us (a day off) is now being threatened by stingy employers. And so begins the Second Crusade.

Girlfriends with Perks | 1-11-06
Not to be confused with the friend with benefits, the girlfriend with perks comes with things like free drinks, trips, and sports tickets.

The Gentleman and the Pot Lover | 1-4-06
How do you stop drugs and gang violence? You go directly to the houses of people who are smoking pot and preach to them of course.


December 2005

DeGraaf's 2005 Columns in Review | 12-28-05
Nate's friend Luke steps in for an objective assessment of Primal Urges in 2005.
Luckily, the meaning of “objective” breaks down quickly.

Advice to the Homeless | 12-21-05
Just because you don't have a roof over your head, doesn't mean you can expect money to fall in your lap. Here's some “career bum” tips.

How to Get Away With Murder | 12-14-05
If you don't wanna end up like the local idiot on the 5, 6 and 10 ‘o clock news, you're gonna have to follow some basic homicide rules.

God Bless the War in Iraq | 12-7-05
It seems the current military strategy in Iraq is getting a little stale and misguided. At least according to these fresh, radical new solutions.


November 2005

Whatever's Clever | 11-30-05
Can one meandering dude really be so happy doing whatever? Maybe The Big Lebowski was right too, ignorance really is bliss.

Happy Thanksgiving | 11-23-05
There's a lot to be thankful for on Turkey Day. Not the least of which includes the George Foreman Grill, local pubs, and foreign accents.

Welcome to the Neighborhood | 11-16-05
When your new downstairs neighbor issues you a list of grievances longer than Luther's 95 Theses, you know you're on the shit list.

Grateful for a Dead Fable | 11-9-05
Sometimes homeless people go above and beyond the call of duty in the hustle for a quarter. For stories like this, it's definitely a dollar.

To-Do List for the Women of America | 11-2-05
Put away your shopping list, ladies, because you won't find things like rational thought or blowjobs on the grocery store shelves.


October 2005

The Rules of Banging the Ex | 10-26-05
In order to preserve friendships, there must be rules about sharing lovers. Rules encompassing proximity, time limits, and jealousy.

The Gentleman and the Goat Lover | 10-19-05
It started off as a trip to a Cardinals game. It progressed into a nasty spat between a rich man and a goat bioengineer. Don't ask, just read.

All Men are Scumbags | 10-12-05
Yes, even The Nice Guy has a little scum in him too. But you'll probably be more familiar with the dirt from the other 4 levels of scumbags.

Clinging to the Party Balloons | 10-5-05
Party over here, party over there, free balloons from the car, fill the merry air. Another poignant story from Captain Feel-Good himself.


September 2005

Cheaters Never Win | 9-28-05
What happens when you combine two Sheilas, two Jessicas, and a Jen in one night? No, not a mojito, a cold lonely walk home.

The True Friend with Benefits | 9-21-05
Rarely, it's just sex, two phone numbers, and nothing more. Usually reserved for crazy ex-girlfriends and drunk platonic friends.

Friends With Bullshit Benefits | 9-14-05
Just when you think the perfect non-relationship has fallen into your lap, you find yourself wanting your first non-relationship breakup.

Ah, The Strip Clubs: Part 5 | 9-7-05
The End-All Love Story
It takes something really special to make someone fall in love. For Nate, “special” was a wild night away from the object of his affection.


August 2005

Ah, The Strip Clubs: Part 4
| 8-31-05
My Two Stripper Girlfriends
Who better to write about strippers than a man who's had two stripper girlfriends himself? Now find out how those relationships went wrong.

Ah, The Strip Clubs: Part 3
| 8-24-05
Staging the Strippers
Every stripper works at a certain level of professionalism, from the pros to the fuglies. Here's what you're in for at each stage of entertainer.

Ah, The Strip Clubs: Part 2 | 8-17-05
Classing the Strip Clubs
There's a class system based on economics, and then there's a system based on breast authenticity, bathrooms, and nude dancing.

Ah, The Strip Clubs: Part 1 | 8-10-05
Interview and Intro
Why should you indulge in one man's endless love for strip clubs near and far? This series-starting interview should give you a good idea.

Turnabout's Fair Play | 8-3-05
In an attempt to apologize to possibly offended female readers, Nate allows three women he's been intimate with to rate and analyze him.


July 2005

How to Be a Sophisticated Drunk | 7-27-05
Is it really possible to get wasted on a budget, without compromising your image over cheap 40's and PBR's? Yes, it's called a wine tasting.

The Nate Way | 7-20-05

Do what you need to do in life, but enjoy the process, and ALWAYS squeeze out the maximum entertainment value. That's the Nate Way.

The Five Best BJs Ever | 7-13-05
They didn't exactly know they were being tested, but upon oral examination, these five girls made the grade.

Crime is a Motor Skill | 7-6-05
If alcohol leads to recklessness, and you're the type to get drunk, unlawful mistakes are inevitable. Learn how to brush off the police.


June 2005

The Evolution of the Whore | 6-29-05
She started out as the innocent, hard-working waitress, and before you know it, she's guilty of working the block for hard-ons and tips.

Clinging to the Pot Luck | 6-22-05
Debauchery and exhaustion take a turn for the better when Nathan finds his way into a gospel Church. A heartwarming familyish story.

Sexing the Sister | 6-15-05
It's the forbidden fruit of your circle of friends: your buddy's sister. Indulge in the temptation if you must, but please, exercise caution.

Open Your Damn Mind | 6-8-05
Sure, stereotypes make everything easier. But labeling people is a form of judgment, and most of us are fairly impaired at that.

The Road to Becoming a Good Person | 6-1-05
What's long, winding, confusing, and full of temptation? Oh yeah, you already read the title. Now follow this modified path to enlightenment.

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