>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

September 13, 2006

Frank: How was work?
Same as always.
Yeah, I don’t want to talk about my day, either.

Working in an office environment is a lot like being in a relationship, which is to say that both relationships and office politics require lying. However, just because I’m lying my ass off every time someone asks me how I’m doing, does not mean that I cannot convey at least some aspect of my personal life to those who inquire. What can I say? I’m a sociable guy. And as such, I want people to have some understanding of how I’m feeling from moment to moment.

With that in mind, I have taken it upon myself to outline what I really mean when I appear to be making idle chit chat. This way, if I ever run into you and we’re doing our best to pretend to give a shit about one another, you’ll at least know what I mean. Of course, the odds are about one in one hundred thousand that we will meet but whatever… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: “I have a column deadline.”

The most common question I receive from both clients and coworkers is some variation of the “How you doing?”—“How’s your day going?”—“How is everything?” triumvirate. Now, no one really wants to know how I’m doing. They just ask this stuff to be polite. So, in an attempt to also appear polite, I counter with one of the following six answers. Here they are and here’s what they really mean.

“Typically, words like, blowjob, damn, or Chachi aren’t welcome in white-collared work places.”

“Fair to Middlin’”

Means: my bills aren’t paid, I’m hornier than hell, I’ll probably be fired within the month and I want to punch you in the face.

“Same Old, Same Old”

Means: I don’t want to tell you one damn thing about my day or how it differs from any other day because I can tell that you don’t really give a damn and I know that I don’t really give a damn so let’s just get on with our lives, okay Chachi?

“I Can’t Complain”

Means: five years ago, I was pretty sure I was gonna end up in jail for violating numerous laws and/or have to work cleaning chicken coops for minimum wage. As it is, I work in an air-conditioned office, and some people there even value my opinion, so really, this ain’t too bad.

“Better than Average”

Means: all my bills are paid and I got a blowjob last night so really I’m one steak dinner and a Buccaneers football victory away from relatively happy.

“Good, Thanks for Asking”

Means: not only are my bills paid, but I’m sexually satisfied and I watched a great game last night. Furthermore, I’ve got a sumptuous dinner waiting for me at home and I’m pretty sure I’m at least half drunk.

“If I were Any Better, I’d be Dead”

Means: I’m getting a blowjob as we speak.

Effective communication is the key to retaining any employment status in an office environment. Typically, words like, “blowjob,” “damn,” or “Chachi” aren’t welcome in white-collared work places. Because of this, humans must find politically correct ways to express how much they want everyone around them to take a flying fuck on a rolling doughnut. These six phrases are my ways and though some are limited colloquially (look it up) to the southern United States, most are applicable nationwide.

At any rate, another day, another dollar; another week, another column. Taking care of business and making my way in the world today and all that whatnot.

Now if you’ll excuse me, the boss has noticed I’m not working.