>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
August 24, 2005

Mike: She seems nice.
Nathan: Try not to think of them as people.

Strippers work at four levels: professional, semi-professional, rookie and fugly. Saturday night, a colleague and I attended two upper-middle class strip clubs located just a thrown stone from scenic East St. Louis (home of the world’s largest and most widely ignored “No U-Turn” sign) and enjoyed the fine work of professional and semi-professional strippers. DJ Funkmeister Flash in the Pan just told me to break down the four levels for you, so I’m doing this now.

1. The Professionals

The professional strippers all have at least two years of experience under their G-strings. The pros are all beautiful, and when they speak to you, you can almost swear they really like you. If they were car salesmen, I’d be scraping up six hundred bucks a month for a Lexus right now. They smell perfect and they almost never have real breasts. The ones who are slightly less attractive than the club’s sexiest always make up for it by putting on a great stage show, displaying a bubbly personality and/or grabbing your cock. It’s true. I’ve researched it. The professionals always know a few stage tricks that require serious athleticism. These girls will sacrifice their bodies for your hard earned dollars, God love ‘em. They never fall for any bullshit lines (after two years, they’ve already been propositioned by professional athletes, movie stars, and millionaires) and they are just jaded enough to own weapons. These are the strippers’ strippers of stripping. They are the ones who take the semi-professional strippers under their wings, nurture them, make out with them, and then steal from them. It’s true. I’ve researched it.

2. The Semi-Professionals

The semi-professional strippers are typically just as hot as the professionals, have been working for about six months, and still don’t exactly know what they’re doing yet. They’ll occasionally believe guys who say that they can make them models (“seriously girl, I’ve got the modeling agency right there in my van”), they’ll believe strippers who tell them that it’s not worth taking off their G-strings for the few extra bucks it brings them (yeah, right), and they’ll believe me when I tell them that I play minor league baseball. These are the girls you hit on. The semi-professionals can be recognized by their stage shows: they usually haven’t mastered the pole (for the professionals, the pole is an extension of their bodies—they know it like the best billiards players know their cues) and they haven’t learned that they can make the most money per stage show by taking care of the ugly guys first. Also,they drink too much at work (another reason why these are the girls you hit on). The semi-professionals often claim to be going to school, working another job, or putting a man through school. Sometimes they are, too. A semi-pro stripper will either go pro (which typically happens around the time they start hustling the other new strippers in the club) or quit (really, what else is there at that point in a career?). They’re not set one hundred percent on stripping for a living; they vividly remember both the good (not being judged every damn day) and the bad (what it was like being broke) about their pasts and therefore are still in the process of making a decision about stripping as a career, unlike the rookies, who really can’t even say why they started stripping (money).

3. The Rookies

Again, these girls are also as hot as the professionals, but they really don’t know what the hell they’re doing. They usually start their careers eighteen years and a few days old, are typically cocky as hell (you know, being one of the hottest girls in a high school will do that to a teenager), and often worry that the managers will catch them smoking pot in the bathroom (while the managers worry the owner will catch them doing coke in the office). These girls have stage shows reminiscent of gymnastics tryouts, dance recitals and/or cheerleader practices, and they always speak in incomplete sentences. They are usually thedumbest of all the strippers and have crushes on whoever the new teen heartthrob is that week. Because all fans love watching a rookie develop in the majors, the rookies have the largest following of regulars (old men with time and money). Some of the rookies are not even slightly tainted or jaded by life, one of the many character traits that differentiates them from the players in the old man’s softball beer league of strippers: the fugly.

4. The Fugly

The fugly strippers are the ones you pay to leave you alone. They’re so disgusting that I don’t feel like going into this because my brain is getting mad at me for surfacing all these stank smells and funk nasty visuals. One good thing about fugly strippers at full nude clubs (and then I’m wrapping this up): the stage shows. I mean, you wouldn’t want to sleep with these girls, but the things some of them do for money make you think, “Wow I, should pay her. After all, she just got half of that Whiffleball bat up her vagina.” I mean some of them put on truly awe inspiring low-rent stage shows. If the world was perfect, all dancers (strippers) would have to do that kind of stuff. I’m shuddering and smiling at the same time right now. My brain is giving up on me. DJ Stank Puss is telling me to bail already.

You all know how much I love strippers, and I want to say that I love them all equally. The rookies, the semi-professionals, and the professionals all have a special place in my heart. (I’m deliberately excluding the fuglies from this love because they are nastier than an elephant’s herpes outbreak.) I think all us guys know that without these strippers, we would all have less to live for, less to love about life, and much larger collections of pornography. God bless you, Stripper Girls. Lap dances, everyone.

Nathan’s blog, The Nate Way, is now being shoved down your throats via the link at the bottom of damn near every one of his columns.

Nate's Strip Club Series – Turning boys into men, and girls away from stripping.
Part 1: Interview and Intro
Part 2: Classing the Strip Clubs
Part 3: Staging the Strippers
Part 4: My Two Stripper Girlfriends

Part 5: The End-All Love Story