>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
August 17, 2005

Nathan: Would you agree that there are three different types of strip clubs?
Chris: No, but I would say that there are three different classes. There are many different types. Hundreds, in fact. You could write about this for years if you wanted to. You know, if you feel it’s your calling.
Nathan: You just want to help me with the research.

There are three classes of strip clubs in America (and yes, I am limiting this column to American strip clubs, even though I’ve heard so many good things about Mexican strip clubs that I’ve actually changed next year’s vacation plans), much like there are three classes of people in America: the upper class, the middle class, and the lower class. Join me, as I analyze these classes.

1. The Upper Class

The upper class strip club usually has valet parking. If you’re going to a strip club that has valet parking, here’s what you can expect: A cover charge somewhere near or over $25, drinks averaging around $8, a talent pool almost all of whom you would sleep with, and a relatively sober, well-groomed staff capable of speaking in complete sentences. The upper class strip club typically has a clean bathroom, a bathroom attendant, a ratio of fake to real breasts somewhere around 10:1, and top shelf liquor that is not watered down. They also take credit cards, but usually the fees are so bad (I’m talking ten to twenty percent range) that you’re better off just leaving the card at home. The ATM fee at an upper class strip club is typically within the “dinner for six at McDonald’s” range, so you’re probably better off leaving the debit card home, too.

A typical upper class strip club (at least on weekends) will offer some kind of shower stage. If the girl on shower stage knows what she’s doing, she can actually cause a heart attack. I’ve seen it happen. Whoever invented the shower stage should be in some kind of Cool Strip Club Idea Hall of Fame with the guys who invented mud wrestling, VIP rooms, lap dances and that extra-strong scented sanitizer that every strip club in America seems to use. A lot of upper class strip clubs (again, at least on weekends) will feature KY Jelly, mud or oil wrestling of some variation (whatever the fad is that week). Mud wrestling is at its best when the managers are smart enough to pit two girls who hate each other. When two girls actually hate each other, they fight dirty and intensely. I saw one mud wrestling match that required four bouncers to break up. (Side note: this fight was so bad that, in the minutes following, I heard at least seven guys say something to the effect of, “It’s a good thing neither of them had a knife.” It really was, too.) There is nothing cooler than two naked hot chicks covered in something sticky, angrily beating the living crap out of each other. I swell up with pride for humanity when I see it. I really do.

(Note: I am boycotting segues on the grounds that I’m no good at segues.)

2. The Middle Class

A great author, whose name I can’t remember, once wrote something to the effect of, “When you’re the middle class, everyone forgets you. You have to live with the burden that though you live comfortably, you will probably never be remembered for anything.” And that’s how I feel about the middle class strip club. It’s boring , standard, and not worthy of many words. A middle class strip club is much like an upper class one, with the following exceptions: the fake breast to real breast ratio leans a little more towards the real (but not in a good way); if there is a bathroom attendant, there isn’t enough room for him and he’s always in the way; there’s typically no valet; there are more than three girls working who you would not sleep with if your life depended on it; there is no shower stage or mud wrestling matches; and it’s a little cheaper. There’s not much more to them than that.

(Note: I am now boycotting segue jokes on the grounds that I’m no good at segue jokes.)

3. The Lower Class

The lower class strip club has character oozing out it’s wide open pores, teeth like a British family reunion, and a smell that you can learn to block out after a few minutes. If, while in the lower class club, you find yourself wanting to sleep with any of the strippers (besides the beauty queen) then I feel for you. I really do. (Note on the beauty queen: every lower class strip club has one hot chick who likes being a big fish in a little pond. I haven’t figured out why this is and I don’t expect to because it probably has something to do with the way women think.) Also, the lower class strip club offers three dollar beers and typically has an admission price somewhere between $7 and nothing. However, they only take cash. And they mean it. The talent pool is so thin in a lower class strip club that the patrons actually get in long conversations with each other. Also, the lower class strip club leaves a smell on your clothes that’s so god-awful, you actually take your shirt off in the car on the way home.

But the lower class strip club is not completely bad. After all, you get way more personal attention for a lot less money than you would in the two aforementioned club classes. Also, they usually have air conditioning. Okay, so they really don’t have much going for them.

But they have character.

All in all, I have to say, I've reserved a special place in my heart for all classes of strip clubs. Every strip club is unique and special in its own way. Much like a parent of many children, I love them all equally, despite the fact that some are simply better than others.

Nathan’s writing is also available on his blog, in his home, and on truck stop bathroom stalls across America.

Nate's Strip Club Series – Turning boys into men, and girls away from stripping.
Part 1: Interview and Intro
Part 2: Classing the Strip Clubs
Part 3: Staging the Strippers
Part 4: My Two Stripper Girlfriends

Part 5: The End-All Love Story